Nerd Watch Wednesday: St Valentine's Massacre 99

Jan 15, 202018 min read

Updated: Jun 3, 2020

After slogging away week after week writing about wrestling matches chosen by other nerds, our Canadian brother RJF finally got the chance to pick the show for Nerd Watch Wednesday, He took little time in suggesting St Valentine's Massacre 99 - a show headlined by Vince McMahon and featuring a GIANT debut.

How does it hold up? Let's find out!

BLUEDUST v GOLDUST

By Nineties Mike

This all came about because Al Snow had his Head mascot stolen by Goldust, who saw fit to amend the head with his own make-up style. On the next Raw is War, however, The Blue Meanie made his WWF debut coming through the crowd and stole Head back for Snow. The night before St Valentine’s Day Massacre, on a special Saturday Night Raw, Goldust lost a match to Gillberg (!) when Blue Meanie distracted him via the Titantron with a video parody, renaming himself Bluedust. After the match, the arena went blue and Goldust was drenched in blue paint, completing the embarrassment.

Goldust makes his usual opulent entrance while Cole calls him unique and bizarre. We hear familiar music, and out comes the rather large Bluedust in his nan’s blue night robe. We get a recap of the events from Saturday Night Raw, but Goldust doesn’t wait for the bell and is straight onto the attack with a spinebuster and an Oscar.

Bluedust, still in his nan’s robe, is trapped in the corner and is on the receiving end of some big right hands. Goldust pulls him out of the corner, but Bluedust reverses an Irish whip, only to find himself on the receiving end of a vintage Dropdown Uppercut. Bluedust finally gets his nan’s robe off, only to walk into a huge clothesline, causing him to flee. He starts to pose in the aisle, but Goldust grabs him by the hair and brings him back into the ring.

Bluedust catches Goldust cold and goes to work on his left leg. He takes too long dry-humping Goldust’s leg before attempting to put a submission hold on. Goldust kicks him away, gives him a wedgie and starts spanking Bluedust’s big arse.

Shattered Dreams attempt, but Bluedust escapes the position and kicks a running Goldust to the ground. He attempts a Meaniesault, but there’s nobody home! Goldust uses the Curtain Call, and there we have it! It’s all over! As a form of retribution for the humiliation of making him lose to Gillberg, Goldie emphatically delivers Shattered Dreams.

Peak late 90s WWF, with this storyline lasting a whole three weeks before Blue Meanie was at Goldust’s side at Wrestlemania XV the following month! Neither of these are guys I was ever that fond of, but this was a fun little sprint that served its purpose as an opener with all of Goldust’s greatest hits.

WINNER - GOLDUST BY CURTAIN CALL

WWF HARDCORE TITLE MATCH: BOB HOLLY v AL SNOW

By JCH

Me and my brother were staying at my cousin’s house for this PPV. We stayed up until 1am to check the VCR was recording properly and stayed downstairs to watch the open couple of matches. One of which was this classic. My memories of it were, they fight in a river and Al Snow gets pinned by being wrapped up in a chain link fence.

Having rewatched the match, that is about it. Plus the late 90’s hardcore style of using everything they can find to twat each other and fighting through the arena and beyond. Here are a list of, I think, all the items that were used in the match to hit each other with - Sprayed with a fire extinguisher - One thing I thought watching now that I didn’t think before was that this fire extinguisher may be gimmicked as there appeared to be no lasting residue. - A metal Trash can - A pay phone (during this Al Snow tries to make a joke ‘try and call somebody’. Surely the classic ‘it’s for you’ before belting him with it would have been better .

- A plastic bin - Which Snow launches at Holly from across the backstage area. - Floor Tiles - A Large Ice Box - (like they have outside American Supermarkets) They now are outside the building, It’s bloody dark. Like a big money US drama where I have to read an episode recap after watching s I can’t see anything . We now get to the standard weapons - Metal Tray - Broom - Street Sign Before advancing to - A chainlink fence, with some barbed wire.

Snow’s latest comedy ‘Have you met my girlfriend Barbie Wire’ as he chokes Holly with it. We then get some outside weapons. - A branch - A wheelbarrow - The River - A tyre The river looks genuinely freezing. After they come out of the river Holly rolls Snow up in another chainlink fence and pins him for the win. Hilariously he then has to run all the way back to the ring with Timmy White to get the belt. Probably a good 2 minutes of running.

Fair play to the guy’s cardio. Wrestling a whole match then running probably a kilometre back to the ring. Outside of weapon shots I think there was one scoop slam onto the floor and a lot of kidney punches from Al Snow. He was really working those kidneys.

It was fun back in the 90s and I quite liked it today from a nostalgic point of view. Probably not winning match of the year anytime soon, but a lovely trip down memory lane of the 90’s Hardcore title picture.

WINNER - NEW HARDCORE CHAMP, BOB HOLLY BY FENCE ASSISTED PIN

MIDEON v THE BIG BOSS MAN

By Ross Casey

Pre-match we get an awesome looking Undertaker in a summoning circle commanding his Ministry of Darkness to conflict evil on their opponents - starting with Mideon. This is quite interesting as we get Big Boss Man, a hard nosed bastard of a heel against Mideon, a creepy eye jar wielding jobber heel.

Earlier on in the evening on Heat, both of these competitors got involved in the match between Test and Viscera, so here they are now on the PPV facing off. Not before Mideon hands his pickled eye jar to someone at ringside, though. Is that what Rowan is carrying around on RAW now 20 years later?

We get some nice character development with commentary noting that Dennis Knight has never known what he truly is - a hog farmer or a justice lawyer - before joining the Ministry. He has now upped his game, because he feels like he belongs in his new family, revealing his true self.

Boss Man goes through his 1999 hit list - punch, kick, spit and low blow. The ref is looking straight at it but chooses to do nothing about it, because Boss Man is sadistic and scary. Good move, I say. Boss Man follows up outside with a chair shot which misses, so Mideon - in an act of desperation - bites the fingers then works them over. Who knew that Mideon played such a huge inspiration to Pete Dunne's matches?

Boss Man takes control once back in the ring though, hitting a splash in the corner causing Mideon to produce enough spit to make 1997 Bret Hart jealous. Six minutes in and the audible boring chants start from the crowd - which is a shame. It's difficult to truly argue with them though, sadly.

The pace slows even further and whilst both are on their knees, they trade open fist punches. I am telling you that Tyler Bate and Pete Dunne took the best parts of this and turned it into an epic years later!!!

They get up, Mideon misses a clothesline and then Big Boss Man hits the side walk slam for the win. That was a good start, followed by a drawn out slumber. Imagine a catherine wheel in wrestling form.

Post-match, The Ministry of Darkness circle the Big Boss Man, beat him down and then carry him to the back where he will be greeted by The Undertaker. Spoiler alert, he bloody hangs him!

WINNER - BIG BOSS MAN BY SIDE WALK SLAM

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: KEN SHAMROCK (C) v VAL VENIS

By Matt Connolly

So this week's selection is a PPV I haven't watched since I was a kid. It's St. Valentine's Day Massacre 99 and I decided to go for Ken Shamrock Vs Val Venis. I chose this match because the fued is peak Attitude Era. I don't know if many wrestlers sum up this era more than Val Venis actually. The rivalry is born because Val has made one of his saucy movies with Ken's sister, Ryan. Shamrock is now fuming because he think's she's been corrupted by The Big Valbowski.

Truth be told it's hard to say how out of line Val has been. I'm not going to sift through old Raw's to find out but Ryan seems smitten with Val and unless Shamrock has become privy to a dodgy contractual obligation then it all seems fair game to me. The World's Most Dangerous Man is known for being a bit of a psychopath though so the over-protecting of his sister seems apt. In order to get a bit of revenge Shamrock has put his Intercontinental Title on the line. Val has very little to lose here as he has already banged and now he has a title opportunity.

Here's hoping AEW start introducing a shagger's scoring system to compliment their win/loss records. First out is Special Guest Ref Billy Gunn. That's right. Mr. Ass is going to be in charge of this one. This is because that useless slug of a human Earl Hebner has refused to send an official to the contest. Literally your job to keep order you goon! Anyway Billy hasn't yet got Ass Man as his music and this upsets me. What a weird banger that theme is! When the music cuts he does get a monster pop though. He says if Ken and Val are not down with him then he has two words for them. So Val next and he is accompanied by Ryan.

Micheal Cole says that Val has a set of big ones if he want's to face Shamrock. King says Ryan has a set of big ones herself. You knew that was coming. Val gets Mic time. He says that as it's Valentine's day he has a Heart on for the ladies. That's rubbish by Val standards. Ken then comes charging down to the ring so we all know this one is personal and we are off! Ken misses his first punch, gets Irish whipped and then hammered with a Clothesline to the back of the head. Very smooth and snug from Val but not the start Ken had in mind here.

The opening stages are fine but the crowd don't seem too interested in the actual wrestling. The biggest reaction early doors is Billy Gunn's lethargic count. King is of course like a pig in shit making terrible jokes to compliment this action. When Shamrock gets control he drapes Val over the apron and starts clubbing him but Mr.Ass is trying to impress tonight and is out there to stop the illegal shots. Hebner would of let that go. First signs of tension between Gunn and Ken here too. I have a feeling this might play a role later. The match is really solid but the crowd continue to basically no sell it. Val gets control at one point with a beautiful high suplex.

Was Val Venis actually really good but the gimmick distracted me? When the action goes outside again Val drives Ken's back into the ring post twice and Billy doesn't bat an eyelid. He's letting me down here. There also an eye rake that he misses. I'm starting to think his hearts not in this. The middle section of this match is mainly Val working holds on Shamrock. It's fine but considering the crowd were already fairly flat this is making them care a bit less.

They have even stopped caring for the slow counts. Gunn then flat out refuses to count a three for Shamrock and I'm not really sure why. He could of ended this and gone home. Ken understandably pissed off at this but Val applies a sleeper to end the complaints. In fairness Gunn is counting slow on everything so this match should be well over. It looks to be finally ending when Shamrock applies the ankle lock but Ryan decides to get involved and helps Val get to the bottom rope.

Shamrock is obviously annoyed with his sister for this but receives a slap for trying to confront her over her actions. Billy tells him to get back in the ring but Shamrock sees the red mist and pushes the ref. Bad move. The Ass Man (Not Val) hammers strikes on Shamrock and the crowd come alive! Small package from Val (Would Venis call it that?) and a quick count from Billy and we have ourselves a new Intercontinental champion! Post bell Shamrock chases down Gunn and the two exchange strikes on the ramp.

Once that is done Gunn goes back to the ring and lays out Val before telling him to Suck it. None of this makes sense but it's the attitude Era. I thought the match would be a bit better to be honest but both guys did bits. The ref thing just made it a mess at times. I've seen way worse.

WINNER - NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION, VAL VENIS BY SMALL PACKAGE & QUICK COUNT

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: JEFF JARRETT & OWEN HART (C) v MARK HENRY & D-LO BROWN

By Cameron from Breaking PG

We have a lot of people talking nowadays about how there’s no direction to the tag team division in WWE and there’s too many ‘thrown together teams’ well, fearless reader, this isn’t new, look who are tag champs are in 1999. Hart and Jarrett, a duo that even chalk and cheese look at and think ‘Can’t you just get along lads?’

The whole match has had the commentators (Cole & King if you were wondering how long those two have been around) mentioning how Ivory has promised to remove Debra’s clothes if she gets involved, finally proving the correlation between PPV sales and lotion sales.

Talking about the actual match, it was a fun little sprint, that didn’t outstay its welcome, however, I would have liked to have seen a bit more Owen Hart as the match was predominantly between D-Lo and Jarrett. I forgot how nice Jarrett’s standing drop kick is!

The match ended with Debra distracting D-Lo and the ref. Owen used the distraction to wallop Henry’s leg with Jarrett’s guitar, Henry then tapping to a Jarrett Figure 4 leg lock.

Ivory, trying to stay true to her extremely convoluted word, attempted to strip Debra after the bell for her involvement in the match, resulting in Debra losing her......... nothing, she lost nothing, all that teasing for nothing more than a bare arm, now I know how GoT fans feel after season 8! (I want my £9.99 back)

So there’s your Tag Team Championship match. I like to score my matches as grades rather than stars and this was a solid Double D, or Double J. So many puns, so little time. Seriously though, B-.

WINNERS - STILL WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, OWEN HART & JEFF JARRETT BY GUITAR WALLOP TO TREE TRUNK LEGS & THEN A FIGURE FOUR LEGLOCK

CHYNA & KANE v TRIPLE H & X-PAC

By Luke Heffernan

So before we entered the era of the mixed match challenge we had Kane and Chyna vs. Triple H & X-Pac. In my normal tradition I have not bothered to do any research on the match being reviewed and enter with plenty of bias. Cole explains this match was made on Heat 8 days ago and wait a minute... Triple H is wearing a DX jersey with 69 on the back and just said to Chyna "come out here and get your ass kicked you big jacked up bitch"

Not like Triple H to make sexist gags, amirite?

Kane and Chyna enter next and the latter has apparently just joined The Corporation, entering to 'No Chance in Hell.' This means we get Shane O'Mac on commentary, the mouthpiece for said faction. Triple H and Kane kick things off and for some reason they have come to the match beautifully colour co-ordinated. Who are the teams again?

Shane is shouting a lot on commentary while wearing absurd sunglasses. He constantly refers to X-Pac as X-Punk and is loving the beatdown Kane is putting on The Game. Chyna eventually gets in and beats up Triple H some more. While we're here I want to put forward that Triple H has never wrestled a single match as a heel. The man does not uphold wrestling traditions and always wrestles like a face, I can't think of another person who is even close. Utter knob. (NXT is great though gaffer!)

X-Pac clocks Shane on the outside which to be fair gets a massive pop. Random shit that the fans go mental for is something I just love about the attitude era. Chyna and X-Punk (it's bloody caught on) go at it and Chyna is getting bigged up to infinity on commentary as she batters X-Pac. Kane and The Ninth wonder exchange tags as they continue the beatdown, New Day must have taken notes on such clinical Tag Team wrestling.

X-Pac finally gets a reversal on Chyna and hot tags the Smaller Red Machine, HHH who hits Chyna with a women's right level of punch. There's a metaphor in there somewhere but I am too lazy to explore it. Triple H's fashion buddy comes in to interfere, gets some right hands of his own to the face and tumbles to the outside. Triple H follows,

X-Pac bronco busters Chyna while inside and Shane McMahon hightails from the commentary table over to jump X-Pac then runs away like a scared child. X-Pac pursues him ALL THE WAY BACKSTAGE because he's a bloody moron, leaving Mr. 69 on a 2 on 1.

Triple H rolls in to the ring, hits Chyna with that stupid knee thing then goes for the Pedigree. Kane who is left unmarked in the penalty area due to X-Punk's idiocy says no pedigree for you little one, eat this chokeslam and slots it in to the open goal.

Chyna is dragged on to H for the pin while Cole shouts "this is a crime!" Wasn't the feeling I got from it Cole, up The Corporation.

WINNERS - KANE & CHYNA BY CHOKESLAM

WWF CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: MANKIND (C) v THE ROCK

By Dom Van Dam

G’day lads and welcome to your WWF Championship match here at the Inaugural and only ever St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.

This show takes us to absolute peak Attitude Era, we’ve got The Texas Rattlesnake vs. Mr McMahon reaching a climax, The Ministry of Darkness gaining (higher) power and D-Generation X are seemingly at their strongest in this incarnation. However, when I think back to the Attitude Era, my favourite memories are from the heel run that The Rock had in the tracksuit and most notably his feud for the WWF Championship with Mankind.

At Survivor Series 1998 “Deadly Game” it seemed that the McMahon’s Corporation was readying itself to back Mick “that’ll put butts in seats” Foley to be their line toeing, yes man-ing champion. However, the swerve of all swerves (bro) ended one of the most iconic story arcs in history and The Rock became the chosen charge for Vince and Shane. With the end of one incredible story, came the beginning of one of the great feuds of my childhood.

Between the Deadly Game and the Massacre, The Rock and Mankind traded the WWF Championship on a couple of occasions. Mankind continually bested The Rock on WWF TV until he won his first World Championship on the January 4th episode of Monday Night Raw. Foley later described this as a lifetime achievement award bestowed upon him to honour his decorated career. The Rock managed to swindle his way back to championship glory at the Royal Rumble in the iconic ”I Quit” match, documented in depth on the exceptional documentary Beyond the Mat. Blaustein’s classic introduced the wrestling world to so much, not least of all Noelle Foley, who I’m sure would be super in to the Wrestling Should be Fun concept should she find ever find us in 2020.

Anyway Foley started his second reign after the Empty Arena Match during the half time break of Superbowl 33 and that brings us to tonight.

This, the supposedly final chapter of the story, to be told under Last Man Standing rules, begins with Mankind turning his back to The Rock to give him a free shot. The audience had already seen Rocky attack Foley earlier in the broadcast and allegedly dislocate the Champion’s knee. By turning his back, Foley is almost showing his third generation opponent that there is no punishment that can be dished out which will win the championship. The cheap shot at the bell is an introduction to the narrative of the rest of the matchup with The Great One dishing out as much punishment as he can manage. But the question remains, will Mankind ever stay down for a count of 10?

The action spills to the outside after a shot with Mankind’s championship gold. The fracas continues all around the set and up in to the bleachers where Foley sticks a DDT through a table in the crowd.

The Rock is wearing his Adidas track suit gear here which we later learned, as adults, was a shield to conceal the surgery he had on his pectoral region. Far be it from me to make comment on The Electrifying One’s rig, but I don’t care what surgery he had; as a youngster I thought this tracksuit was the best look going.

Rocky has now amassed four suplexes (all of them a beauty) on the concrete floor so he struts over to the commentary desk to cut a promo on the headset:

“Have you got nothing to say to the Rock?” he asks Jerry Lawler. “Shut your mouth before I slap the taste out of it!” he cuts the King off immediately before he can answer. Absolutely phenomenal stuff.

So this contest is pretty much a classic blow off. Mankind hits his trademark offense like the Cactus Clothesline, Elbow and Double Armed DDT but it’s really just The Rock beating the stuffing out of Foley’s white business shirt. The Brahma Bull backdrops the champion off the announce desk, knee first on the time keeper’s chair. He then drops the steel stairs from the ring on to the prone Foley. Brutal.

In the ring now and The Rock has a microphone to regale us with his version of Smackdown Hotel:

“It’s down at the end of Jabroni Drive at…” Mandible Claw! There’s a ref bump though so no one to count the side-burned Elvis impersonator out. Hebner recovers and the two rivals are trading “near falls.” (I guess you’d call it?)

Finally there’s a simultaneous chair shot to the heads of both men, by their opponent, and both are counted down. I guess after the 987 head shots The Rock hit Foley with a month prior, this might have seemed a bit weak at the time. But through the filter of 2020 wrestling, it’s a brutal match and a great finish.

This one is a draw, I guess the story is not quite finished with yet…

Drink lots of water; look after your mates.

DVD

WINNER - MANKIND'S SKULL BY NOT BEING CAVED IN 987 TIMES WITH A CHAIR (DRAW)

STEEL CAGE MATCH: STONE COLD v VINCE MCMAHON

By RJF

So here we are, main event time. A brilliant video package to get you hyped for this one. The cage is set up around the ring and here we go. Austin’s music hits, he’s a little over isn’t he. King calls him a sick pervert, pot, kettle and black come to mind...

Now here comes Vince. Muscular as ever, Austin just sat on the corner of the cage calling Vince in. Music stops, Vince enters the ring, here we go... Oh wait, Vince bottles it, he won’t get in the cage. Austin has had enough and begins to chase Vince.

Vince enters the cage and now won’t let Austin in. Austin doesn’t care, he goes to climb in but Vince climbs the cage from the inside and won’t let Austin in. A real game of cat and mouse. Austin slips from the cage and is holding his knee, he landed awkwardly.

It was all a trick! Massive lariat on Vince as he comes to investigate. Now Austin is beating down Vince on the outside, he takes the camera cable and wraps it round his neck, that’s a weapon lost in the wireless generation!

The beat down continues and Austin is just destroying Vince right now. Throws him into the barricade, then the steps. But wait Vince fights back and flips off Austin. Austin is not amused and the spill into the crowd and up the stairs, replicating their spot in the rumble just a month before this.

Finally they head back to ringside and Austin has the upper hand again. I must note, this match hasn’t actually started yet... both men have not been in the cage at the same time. Austin throws Vince into the cage a few times on the outside, Vince is not looking in good shape.

Vince keeps trying to climb into the cage, not sure he understands the rules... Austin won’t let him, but now both men are on the side of the cage, on the outside. HOLY SHIT!!!! Austin slams Vince’s face into the side of the cage and he bounces off the cage and through the Spanish Announce Table! Brilliant spot.

Austin climbs into the ring with Vince still down. Here comes the stretcher. Medics put a neck brace on Vince and get him onto the stretcher. They try to announce Austin as winner of the match but he’s having none of it and grabs the mic. He asks the crowd to give him a hell yeah if they want him to continue to beat down Vince, of course they do...

Austin pushes away the medics that are taking Vince up the ramp on the stretcher and wheels him back down the ramp and into the side of the cage. Austin gets Vince into the ring, both men finally in the cage. The bell rings, here we go...

Austin just destroys Vince, a huge elbow drop, the crowd is loving this beat down! Huge Austin chant, as he asks for the door to be open, but what’s this, Vince is lying in the middle of the ring flipping off Austin again. Austin reenters the ring and continues to beat up Vince. Out of nowhere, Vince hits the low blow on Austin, somehow he still has some offence left in him!

Vince has made it to the top of the ring, but Austin is able to catch him and just tosses him into the middle of the ring! The punishment continues on Vince as Austin throws him around the ring. Vince is busted wide open. That doesn’t stop Austin throw him into the cage yet again.

Austin climbs out of the cage, but yet again, before his feet touch the ground, Vince finds the energy to flip him off. You have to wonder why he wouldn’t just win the match first, before going back to beat up Vince some more, but it’s adding to the drama of this match!

More offence from Austin, Vince is just a bloody mess at this point, literally. Austin hits a stunner! Crowd go mental. This has to be over now. But wait, what is this!? From nowhere the canvas splits in the far corner and out climbs Paul White, aka the Big Show! Not quite sure why he waited for Austin to nearly win twice and Vince to pretty much be killed before interfering but I will suspend my disbelief.

White begins to toss Austin into the cage over and over again. Now it’s time for Vince to give Austin some lip service. Vince asks White to lawn dart Austin into the cage again. White follows the order but as Austin goes smashing into the cage it swings open... White doesn’t know his own strength!

Austin climbs down to the floor, the bell ring, the crowd goes mental, Austin is your winner! Vince cannot believe it! His master plan back fired! Austin is going to Wrestle Mania 15! Vince collapses in the ring, White looks pissed and Austin just heads up the ramp celebrating. What a match. Lovely stuff.

WINNER - STONE COLD BY BEING THROWN INTO THE CAGE BY BIG SHOW