Last week we reviewed Survivor Series 1999 and Shafi almost had to get sectioned. Because of his Charlie based ordeal, we have given him the choice of show this time around to help with the comedown. He picked Taker v Taker and Hart v Hart in a doubles main event at Summerslam 1994 - let's get to it!
IRS & BAM BAM BIGELOW v THE HEADSHRINKERS
Here we are, week three and it’s our second Summerslam on NWW, this time we have gone back to 1994. I always like delving into anything 93-96, as I feel they were particularly overlooked years. Obviously not as good as the late 80s/early 90s or a patch on the Attitude era, but there’s a lot of good stuff in there. A lot of horse shit too, but I’ll let you sort the Bret Hart’s from the Bastion Booger's.
Kicking off Summerslam…First down the aisle, to the unmistakable laugh of ‘The Million Dollar Man’ Ted Dibiase, is the tag team of Irwin R Schyster and Bam Bam Bigelow, ‘The Million Dollar Corporation’.
As Vince McMahon has just pointed out, this match was due to be for the WWF World Tag Team Championship. Classic WWF (literally), they made The Headshrinkers drop them to Diesel and Shawn Michaels the night before at a house show. So, we’ve got a non-title nothing bout to open up one of the four staple pay-per-views the WWF had (still has) to offer... hmm.
Next up are Fatu and Samu, The Headshrinkers. Would they get away with that name in 2019? Not convinced. Cracking headwear though and we all love Captain Lou Albano. Mad as a bucket of frogs. Shame they aren’t defending the titles, isn’t it?
On with the action, Bam Bam starts with the future Rikishi - Fatu. Now for anyone who knows Big Quiche, you know he’s no small bloke (bigger in 2001 than in 1994 I must add) but Bigelow is knocking him all over the place in the opening exchanges, before a reversal which sees the Beast From The East on the floor himself.
This is a solid big man encounter and Bam Bam turns this things around again with an Enziguri. Up top he goes! Last week I told you how much I can’t stand seeing the big men go high risk…and I was right! Bam Bam misses!
For the record, what a performer Bigelow was. His ability to sell a move, like he shows when facing a double team, his athleticism, his power. He was nearly 400lbs!
Moving on and now we have Bray and Bo’s daddy tagging in, IRS. As mentioned by one of the fellow nerds in week one, he is the prime example of the occupational based character being pushed during the 90s. It’s not a great start from the tax man, as he’s getting thrown from pillar to post by Samu, before countering by ducking the crossbody. Right back at ya…Samu ducks and it sees Schyster go flying to the outside.
Back in the ring (or not, as it would turn out), the tables turn again, with Bam Bam pulling the ropes down low for Fatu to fly outside. Back outside we go… with some blatant shithousery from Bigelow.
Samu unleashes on both opponents and is looking to get this finished. He lands a flying headbutt on IRS, but it’s broken up by Bam Bam! BBB is cleared out of the ring with no time wasted and the double team continues with a double reverse Russian leg sweep. Back up top Samu goes…but the Million Dollar Man is distracting the ref.
Lou Albino reacts by distracting Bam Bam and the ref calls for the bell. All hell has broken loose and everyone is brawling back to the locker room. The Fink announces the Million Dollar Corporation as the winners…hmm.
In all three weeks of the new Nerd Watch Wednesday, I’ve had a DQ finish! In ring though, that was a great start to Summerslam 94. Ted Dibiase will be back later, with his boot sale Undertaker... ridiculous!
WINNERS - IRS & BAM BAM BIGELOW
WWF WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP - ALUNDRA BLAYZE v BULL NAKANO
Firstly, I've heard nothing but good things about this match. I've heard nothing but good things about these two competitors too. So going in, I'm setting myself up for a banger! Upon seeing the Silhouette of Bull Nakano being accompanied by Luna, I'm immediately excited. These look like two tough broads who are coming to the ring all business. Nakano just looks Dope! Her hair is the highlight of what is an excellent presentation. Oh, and she has bought some nunchuks too, for if things really kick off.
The Champ is out next. Blayze is wearing a very nice robe. Her presentation is more clean cut and has far less theatrics. She receives a pretty good pop upon her arrival. "What a competitor, What an Athlete!" Exclaims Vince. "What a face!" Says Lawler. Urgh.
We have a flower girl. It's a bit odd but I like it. Gives the occasion more importance. Luna lobs Nakano's flowers at Blayze then runs off. Real winner here is Alundra as now she has two Bouquets. Anyway, she ditches the flowers as the bell sounds. LETS GO!
Blayze offers a handshake. Nakano goes to offer one back but instead she kicks Blayze in the mid section and follows up with a nasty Irish whip into the turnbuckle and a clothesline. Dope! Blayze rallies but eventually Nakano turns it around and just exudes menace. Nakano's moves are greeted with winces by the crowd. Luna is doing a Ric Flair woo on the outside and its annoying but whatever I guess that's Heat.
Nakano synchs in a chin lock but Blayze struggles to the rope. Nakano transitions straight into more offence through her excellent wrestling acumen. This is decent so far. Nakano gets it! "USA!" chanting can be heard. It's not an arena wide chant but people are into this. Nakano goes for a powerbomb but Blayze reverses with a Rana and gets a 2. It's a very quick 2 but I'll let referee Tim White off here.
Blayze hits a spinning heel kick, which the crowd pop for. She tries again but Nakano throttles her before slamming her down. After another illegal choke, Nakano hits her version of the Boston Crab and is celebrating victory whilst it's applied. Too eager Bull, Mate! Blaze edges ever so closer to the ropes. The crowd cheer her towards the rope. She's Free!
Nakano back on offence though and locks in a move I don't know the name of but Paige use to do it as a finish if that helps? Nakano is a fool though. She starts pulling Blayze's hair and to be fair, Tim White is straight in with the count to break the hold. Luna screams something at the crowd which is in an octavo I couldn't hear as a human.
Now Luna is up on the apron choking Alundra. Great stuff. She getting that heat! Blayze out of nowhere with the roll up but Nakano kicks out and transitions into an armbar. No wasted movements. I love it! She is transitioning all the time. Blaze rallies and hits three slingblade type moves. The crowd eats it up. Camera bulbs are flashing all over the arena.
Nakano reverses a powerbomb attempt into a powerslam. She then tries covering Blayze but she pops out and tries to hit a clothesline on Nakano. She misses and is instead caught with a brutal Lariat from Nakano. Nakano whips Blayze in the corner but she leapfrogs and hits a backslide which gets a two.
Nakano catches her with a nasty powerbomb that should end it, but again Blayze somehow kicks out at two. This is really well paced. Nakano goes up top, but misses a splash. Blayze knocks the apoplectic Luna off the apron and then hits a picture perfect German suplex with a bridge pin to get the win!
Really, really good match that. That was my first introduction to Nakano and the first time seeing the Alundra Blayze character and I loved it. Makes me wanna delve into the vault and dig out everything these women did. It could have gone longer, but it was great in the time it got.
Nakano is just excellent and Blayze isn't far behind. It sounds like a dumb thing to say but they both got the point of this match and nailed their roles in it. Hats off to them. I recommend this one, if that means anything to you!
WINNER - ALUNDRA BLAYZE
WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP - DIESEL (C) v RAZOR RAMON
I have the pleasure of reviewing the Diesel v Razor IC title match from Summerslam 1994. I only started watching wrestling (specifically WCW) from about 1996/1997 so seeing a face Razor Ramon is always very weird for me.
In the pre-match hype up the quad king Diesel calls himself Midas because everything he touches turns to gold and Michaels calls the both of them "happening cats". Is it me or does old school WWF just ooze Butlins Redcoats campness? I'll state this now. I fucking hate Diesel's entrance. Who in their right mind decided to play the same fucking 18 wheeler esq horn over and over again. Urgh. Michaels comes out being...well Shawn Michaels which is always great.
Razor Ramon is out next and he comes out with Walter Payton (Bears legend). The crowd are loving this and "Oozing machismo" is how Vince describes him. Razor starts off quickly pummeling into Diesel and hyping up the crowd as Diesel makes his way out of the ring. Diesel gets back in after a pep talk from Michaels and lays into Razor. A bit of toing and froing between the two and Diesel has Razor in the corner. Michaels yanks on Razors hair oblivious to the Ref. Heel Michaels at it again.
Sleeper from Diesel who is literally a giant in the ring which is reversed by Razor. Lawler and Vince banter about Walter Payton whilst Michaels tears off the protection on the turnbuckle. Flying forearm from Michaels to Ramon whilst the ref is distracted. It's been all Diesel so far!
Diesel back in the ring and he goes to chuck Ramon into the now unprotected turnbuckle but the ref decides to jump up and block his path. Michaels distracts him and Diesel does it anyway. Snake eyes from Diesel and continued pressure from him. Another two count. Crowd chants for Razor, he comes alive but a BIG BOOT from Diesel lays out Razor. This prompts Lawler to state Diesel could be the Bears kicker. I think he'd tear his quad just lining it up in my opinion.
Anyway, Razor kicks out at two again. More pressure from Diesel. He hangs onto the ropes as he puts a submission onto Razor. Ref notices thanks to Payton's involvement. Diesel goes for a snake eyes onto the unprotected turnbuckle, but Razor reverses and shoots Diesel into it instead. Kick out at two.
Razor is gathering some pace. Diesel's clearly dazed and gets whipped into an unprotected turnbuckle. Razor slips under and WHAM big ol' ringpost to the nads. "DISQUALIFY HIM" screams Lawler. Razor goes to the second rope and hits a big bulldog. Close kick out from Diesel.
Michaels jumps up to attack Razor and gets layed out, connecting with the guardrail outside. Razor puts Diesel onto the unprotected turnbuckle but Diesel knocks him back and calls for the infamous Jackknife. Big back body drop reversal from Razor. Razor calling for the Razors edge but Michaels distracts him and Diesel with a humongous shoulder tackle.
Michaels goes to chuck the title in the ring but Walter Payton decides to yank it off of him. Michaels basically goes "fuck this" and gets into the ring where Razor is being held by Diesel. Sweet chin music is lined up - but connects sweetly with Diesel's massive face. Michaels is irate and Walter Payton starts chasing Michaels around the ring before yanking his leg to stop him breaking up Razor's pin attempt. 1, 2 and 3. Razor is the new IC champ!
My knowledge of any wrestling from the 80s till the early 90s is pretty shite but I enjoyed the classic heel v face match that this was. Diesel on top for the majority but with the face prevailing at the end. I hate Diesel/Kevin Nash but he had a half decent match here, I'll admit. Crowd were hyped throughout and Michaels did his role well.
WINNER - NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION, RAZOR RAMON
TATANKA v LEX LUGER
If you were skipping through the results for this show you would be forgiven for reading Tatanka and Lex Luger faced off in a six minute match and assuming it was a toilet break. In actual fact, it was the final act in a story that was Shakespearean in its depth.
Truth, redemption, corruption, betrayal. All of the elements building to a climax as powerful as it was shocking. It made us question everything we thought we knew about the world and about ourselves, it blew my seven year old mind and left me with trust issues that expensive new age counselling has failed to resolve. All in six fucking minutes.
Let's roll back a year and see how we got here. Luger had reformed from his narcissistic ways and became the American hero we needed to try and fill the Hogan sized void caused by a dodgy photographer and a massive leg drop.
He certainly took enough vitamins to look the part. Lex Luger's coming out moment as a face was bodyslamming WWF champion Yokozuna on an aircraft carrier, yes I'm serious. This would lead to him facing Yokozuna for the WWF title at Summerslam '93.
I, like many others, was not aboard the Lex Express (an actual coach he rode around the country whilst kissing babies and shaking hands trying to win over the fans). Luger would go on to win the match via countout and would proceed to celebrate like a male adolescent after their first sexual experience, streamers and balloons falling from the ceiling DESPITE Yoko retaining the title. Like the aforementioned sexual experience, he had failed to manage three seconds on top of an obese monstrosity and yet was proud of what he had done. The finish made Luger look like all that Ico-Pro had shrunk his brain.
Lex would get back in the title run by being the co-winner of the Royal Rumble in 1994. This earned him another shot at Yoko's title at WrestleMania 10 but he would again miss out after being inexplicably disqualified by special guest referee Mr Perfect after he assaulted Yokzuna's manager Mr Fuji. Two big title matches, two major disappointments.
Luger's mission to replace Hogan had failed like that of Savage and the Warrior before him. Lost in no man's land, Lex would be left off the next PPV altogether (KOTR '94) and it was clear that the Total Package needed to make a drastic change to get back on track and complete his redemption arc.
Enter The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase. Having retired from the ring, Ted went about putting his millions to good use assembling a faction of wrestlers that could do his bidding. He signed former Money Inc partner IRS, Nikolai Volkoff and had seemingly brought The Undertaker back to the WWF. Ted was riding a wave of momentum and all that was missing was the centrepiece: a main event wrestler for the Million Dollar Corporation, an Othello to his Iago.
Dibiase started courting Luger to be that man. It made sense. Lex had become an afterthought and Ted could give him the money, support and platform to go after the title once again and right his mistakes of the past. All he had to do was renounce his morals and turn his back on the fans. Where had the fans support really gotten him anyway?
His stardom was wilting like a flower from the lack of sunlight he was getting living in Bret's shadow. The fans had chosen The Hitman as their hero. This, despite Bret being Canadian and not even having a sweet, ozone depleting bus to ride in.
One man who took umbridge with Lex's plans to turn his back on the fans was the Native American Tatanka. He implored Luger to do the right thing but Lex refused. Tatanka stood up for all the fans who had supported Lex, all the parents who saw him as the perfect role model and all the kids who pretended to have a metal rod in their arm when they elbow smashed their friends in the face at lunchtime.
Tatanka accused Luger of selling out, he somehow could not fathom the mental struggles Lex was going through in midcard purgatory. Their fates were not dissimilar as Tatanka was in limbo himself after losing his over two year undefeated streak to the most famous Finnish wrestler of all time (what an accolade).
However the difference between Tatanka and Luger is that Tatanka was a man of principle who was true to himself and his people. Every week Tatanka was on the case trying to expose Luger as a fraud. Anyone that had seen a Lex match didn't need much convincing.
Luger was caught in several compromising positions with Dibiase that all but confirmed that he had decided to cash in but still he denied selling out. The Lex doth protest too much, methinks.
Earlier in the PPV Dibiase is shown entering Luger's dressing room carrying a red, white and blue duffel bag that is presumably filled with cash. Tonight is their coming out party and it will not rain balloons but money, money, money, money, money!
Before the match there is a face to face interview backstage between Luger and Tatanka with the only man to make me miss Mike Adamle, Todd Pettengill. Tatanka is in his Native American attire that signifies his respect for his heritage and his simple desires. He is a spiritual man that fights for those that are marginalised.
This is a battle between the old country and the capitalist American dream. Luger is less understated. He's got both a jacket and trunks decked out in Old Glory as he seeks to continue his masquerade until his deception is complete. The trunks are so tight I fear we might see his total package.
The WWF hotline opinion poll results are in and 54% of fans think Lex has sold out. Talk about a split crowd. Tatanka then introduces a series of videos that prove 54% of fans are completely correct. Tatanka says words to the effect of "I bite my thumb at you Sir" before walking away as Lex is left to cut the most insincere promo about being innocent.
Tatanka is out first and the crowd are split between boos and cheers. I suddenly realise why Tatanka is so upset as it appears that someone has stolen his sideburns. Lex out next and the crowd are again split. Luger takes his jacket off and he is RIPPED! I am genuinely worried about getting drug tested at work for the next week as there's a good chance I will melt the cup after watching Lex wrestle.
The ref has such an incredible mullet I am not sure if they are the ugliest man or woman I've ever seen. At least now we know where Tatanka's sideburns went. The bell rings and Tatanka audibly says "You sold out" and some other words that I interpret as "To thine own self be true".
Tatanka asks where Dibiase is. They eventually lock up and it ends in stalemate. Luger hits a running shoulder block that knocks our hero to the mat. Tatanka nods his head in respect for the effectiveness of Lex's limited arsenal. Jerry Lawler remarks that Dibiase used to use a similar move and that Ted's influence is showing. If I was Dibiase I would be insulted.
Both wrestlers exchange arm wringers and we have already seen more wrestling moves than in the main event of Survivor Series '99. The commentators mention how both wrestlers have previously been good friends. The Total Package hits a small package that gets a two count before Tatanka responds with a savage chop.
Lex comes out on top of a duelling punch exchange and hits a hiptoss that is booed by a sizeable portion of the crowd. Tatanka comes back with a chop and an Irish whip into a powerslam and Partyboy Chioda makes a very quick two count. He then symbolises the two count by doing the rock and roll hand sign in the worst attempt at being cool since The Shockmaster broke the walls down.
Tatanka starts his 'wardance' which involves skipping in a circle and is his version of hulking up. Two tomahawk chops and a suplex put Lex down followed by a toprope tomahawk chop gets another 2 count. I'm not sure how well received in 2019 it would be to have a move inspired by literally scalping people.
Lawler again mentions Ted's influence in Luger's wrestling. Tatanka misses another top rope attempt and is mown down by two clotheslines. Ted Dibiase then walks to the ring to watch his man complete his victory. Ted walks up the ring steps and takes some of the cash out of the bag and waves it around. Lex's inner soliloquy kicks in "Is this a dollar I see before me..."
Boom! Roll up by Tatanka and he gets the 1-2-3! On this day purety has triumphed over greed. Lex is not happy! Ted is in shock. Luger is irate with Ted and Tatanka but Tatanka questions "whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles". Basically he thinks Lex would have done the same given the opportunity to win the match.
Dibiase comes into the ring and tries to console Luger with enough cash to keep him in vitamins and small trunks for a long time. Lex kicks the money out of Dibiase's hand and pushes him away! Tatanka then attacks Lex from behind! WHAT IS GOING ON?!
Tatanka continues to beatdown Luger and Dibiase is directing him. Tatanka and Ted then embrace like two star-crossed lovers as Dibiase shouts that he fooled everyone. MIND BLOWN.
The attack continues until Luger is unconscious in the ring. Tatanka slaps on the Million Dollar Dream and then stuffs a dollar bill into Lex's mouth. Lex Luger's redemption story has become a tragic comedy and for the second Summerslam in a row he is the fool. Lex may be the only person in the world whose IQ is the same as his bodyfat percentage.
Tatanka and Dibiase leave to Ted's iconic song as the curtain comes down on the finale and we conclude six minute Shakespeare. Who knew wrestling could be so deep?!
WINNER - TATANKA
MABEL v JEFF JARRETT
I always thought that the inventor of the Teletubbies was some guy who took too many drugs and loved children. Turns out - that was just most of the other blokes working in the media at the time. As it goes, the idea for the Teletubbies was clearly conceived when someone watched Mabel v Jeff Jarrett, caught a load of Mabel's outfit and thought "if I stick a dildo on his head, I can probably make him more entertaining".
And to cover his tracks and make sure WWF's lawyers never came after him, he called the Teletubby a phrase you would never associate with Mabel the first time you see him, 'Tinky Winky'.
Anyway, enough about Viscera's huge, swinging hog. How about Jeff Jarrett's clobber!? A regular blue vest that had been run through a slightly broken shredder. Why did he wear that? What's the significance? What reference am I missing? Is he Noo-Noo?
There was also an out-of-breath rapper called Oscar who slapped JJ at some point but didn't get thrown out. That slap was probably one of eight moves in the whole match but somehow it still added up to six minutes with two or three near falls. They weren't exactly ELECTRIFYING near falls, though. They were just those early nineties style near falls that come after someone does a regulation scoop slam or something.
In the end, Jeff Jarrett won with a kind-of-roll-uppy thing and a handful of future Florida Georgia Line loving hicks went absolutely batshit bananas in the front couple of rows. Other than that, the rest of the crowd had gone to the toilet after Oscar had finished rapping/gasping for air.
If I was going to rank my favourite Viscera/Mabel/Big Daddy V matches, I don't think this would make the top ten. It was really missing that weird grinding thing he used to do to people on the floor. If I was going to rank my favourite Jeff Jarrett matches, I would hope that someone would stop me and get me to do something more worthwhile with my time.
All in all, it was a great rap concert, a brilliant episode of Teletubbies and - at times - a wrestling match.
WINNER - JEFF JARRETT
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP CAGE MATCH - BRET HART (C) v OWEN HART
I’ve never seen any of this feud, or an Owen match for that matter, but I have heard great things about it. Holy shit Jerry Lawler is just berating the Hart family in the lead up! Having 10 relatives sitting ringside makes this at least 10x more personal but obviously leaves you wide open to an aggressive sexist with a shiny hat on...
Owen getting a proper booing during his entrance here. Manages to take any credibility away from the 3ft5 cage by climbing straight over it to get into the ring. I genuinely think Ricochet could clear the fucker.
The two of them just hook into each other to get things going, obviously chomping at the bit to tear each other apart. Standard steel cage formula sees the two make varied attempts to escape the cage, but no dice. I’m surprised even back in 1994 that you could still just waltz out of the cage through the door, I’ve never understood it.
Hannah and I both commented the same when watching Bret get fresh air looking for a second rope senton. Was the whole ring the hardest part of the ring back in the day!? There was no bounce at all!
This match is actually really gripping, the chemistry here is brilliant, it’d be great fun to do this with a sibling. I know i’d definitely throw a few stiff ones in there. Owen's just landed a superplex and a piledriver, I feel some shenanigans coming here, Anvil looking real dodgy.
This spot here with them rolling around punching each other is making this match, the crowd is just eating it up. Did WWE ever use canned crowd cheering? If not this is really loud. Owen's DUMPED with a big superplex over the cage and his mother still looks super-perplexed as to what is going on. I think she’s trying to look worried? But comes off looking like she’s eaten something and she’s unsure what the taste is.
After a heap of escape attempts she’s done with! Bret wins! Oh shit me, here comes Anvil attacking British Bulldog, the Mrs is collateral here! The Hart Family steel cage lock in is underway... every face is trying to get in, whilst all the heels stop them until an all natural British Bulldog loses the shirt to make his way in and scare off the riff raff.
This match had the right amount of everything, enough spots to make the steel cage well worth the stipulation, a touch of shenanigans and enough graps to consolidate a plausible fight between the two Hart brothers.
WINNER - STILL YOUR WWF CHAMPION, BRET HART
UNDERTAKER v FAKE UNDERTAKER
My feelings on the Undertaker are well known around the Wrestling Should Be Fun chat group. I can’t stand the bloke. He was a satanic heel when I first started watching, who took to abducting the daughter of the man he was secretly in cahoots with.
Hanging around with a screechy voiced pale bloke carrying some ashes around, like that’s normal and just generally being a berk. Then he became a biker who was really hard to beat on Smackdown 2. Then Booger Red. Now he's a shell of his former self, taking up spots at big events that could go to the guys who are there every week.
With that in mind, Shafi kindly allocated me this shower of shite. Undertaker vs Fake Undertaker. I have no idea what the premise behind this is. I probably didn’t help myself by warming up for this with the Momo Watanabe and Utami Hayashishita vs Konami and Jungle Kyona tag team title match from Stardom. That was bloody good. Let’s see if this can live up to it. Hang on. This is the main event!
I thought it was going to be like a 5 minute joke. How did we get here?
Royal Rumble - Undertaker loses a casket match to Yokozuna and NINE other people. As they begin to carry the casket out, Undertaker starts talking on a big screen from a camera inside the casket???
Footage of bloke in a deli says he saw the Taker. A child says she saw him on the slide in the playground. Firefighters saw him, a woman in what looks to be a giant plate shop saw him too. What the fuck is going on?
Ted DiBiase is stood in a graveyard and says he’s bought Taker thanks to his finances. Paul Bearer says he’s a liar. If he can’t find him, then no-one can. DiBiase brings Taker out during an episode of The Heartbreak Hotel, Shawn Michaels' talk show.
Paul Bearer turns up at an Undertaker match and tries to summon the Undertaker. Basically using the urn trick but with his hands. DiBiase gives him cash. So it wasn’t just Saudi Arabia that turned Undertaker into a sellout. Taker grabs Bearer in the ring. The lights go off. Bearer claims his Undertaker is here. Seriously what is happening. Undertaker over the loudspeaker tells DiBiase he’ll be back.
And now we’re here…..Ummm yeah. The Fake Dee storyline in Neighbours was easier to follow than this. DiBiase introduces the Undertaker. Here he comes down the ramp. They haven’t shown his face since he came back? He just has his hair over his face. He still has a bloody long entrance, Oh for Fuck’s sake I’m going to have to watch it twice.
This is normally my cue to go for a beer at Wrestlemania. Was Undertaker on Wrestlemania this year? I can’t remember. The gong hits again. Brilliant. Here comes Paul Bearer and he beckons some druids to bring him the casket from eight months previous.
I can at least applaud the storyline continuity back then. Lawler is claiming DiBiase's Taker is the real one, Vinny Mac is on the side with Bearer. Bearer gets the urn out of the casket. Are we getting the lightning? ‘Oh my gosh McMahon, he doesn’t have an Undertaker’ That line made me laugh. So ridiculous. A light comes from the Urn. Is the Undertaker like an undead Genie????
The music starts again and we get our THIRD Undertaker entrance of the day. Jerry Lawler is shocked there are two Takers. The crowd is going mad. Is the Fake Undertaker Sheamus? DiBiase and Bearer disrobe their respective Undertakers. Earl Hebner is our ref - great.
Purple taker is the real one and silver is the fake one. The match is starting. Punches, big boot, punch. Silver Taker is knocked to the outside. Bearer squeals at him. Undertaker suplexes Fake Undertaker back into the ring. Then throws him back outside. Make your mind up!
Silver Taker hangman on the rope. Then punches, Silver Taker going for OLD SCHOOL. Which I presume is just School at this point? Maybe even New School? Real Taker throws him off though. Then he goes for whatever we are calling the rope walk at this point and hits it. Irish whip reversal. Fake Undertaker catches Taker and walks backwards and drops him where the Undertaker just catches himself on the ropes. With his hands. He’s selling something. I don’t think that went right.
Punches. Clotheslines from Fake Taker. The crowd have gone silent. It’s terrible. After three weeks of this new Nerd Watch Wednesday, my best match has been Repo Man vs Crush!!! More and more punches. The opening sequence was quite quick and I thought maybe this might be alright. Now it has slowed right down.
Chokeslam from Fake Taker, who signals to the crowd and no-one makes a sound. Taker sits up and three people scream. Tombstone from Fake Taker to crickets. Literally - I get a better reaction from the pavilion when I hit a four in front of roughly nine people. Taker sits up to a bit of a reaction.
Fake Taker goes for another Tombstone. Taker reverses it into one of his own. The 27 members of the crowd who are still awake cheer. Then another Tombstone. On the hard cam there are literally people laughing and shaking their heads. A third Tombstone to the one bloke clapping on the hard cam.
Three count and the crowd go wild - probably because this is over. Fake Undertaker gets dumped into the casket. Real Taker is now on his knees and Bearer is waving around the giant genie urn. The End.
I can’t go to PROGRESS this month, so I have given Shafi my season ticket. How does he repay me? THIS. Cheers mate.
Backstage two goobers look in the casket and it is empty. They see a closed suitcase and exclaim the case is now closed. Yes that really happened. Good grief.
Trying to rate this is tough. I went in with low expectations, hoping that I might enjoy it with a low bar. Well…..that didn’t workout. I rate this match the Donald Trump Presidential term.
WINNER - THE REAL UNDERTAKER
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