If you missed the first five parts of our wrestling Secret Santa (concept discovered by us on Voices of Wrestling) then follow the links below
https://www.wrestlingshouldbefun.com/blog/wrestling-should-be-fun-secret-santa-part-5
Nerd giving: Rob Armstrong
Nerd receiving: JCH
Match:Undertaker vs Goldberg - Super Showdown 2019
Rob:“enjoy this absolute horror show you shithouse. Worst match of the year but I still came."
JCH: Pickles are my 2nd least favorite food, that became my least favorite when they began showing up unadvertised in burgers and catching me by surprise with their vinegary grossness. Bananas are my least favorite food that managed to move into 2nd by not surprising me in anything since I thought a plantain was a chicken ball at a Brazilian rodizio about 10 years ago. I’ll come back to this.
In the mid 90’s, growing up in Devon, the youth group at my church ran a secret Santa every year. My friends and I took it upon ourselves to find the worst possible present in Poundland and whilst we were the recipients of a Selection Box or some novelty Christmas gift we were gifting Nottingham Forest lampshades or the Emmerdale DVD “Dingles Do Las Vegas” I’m not a big believer in karma but if I was I would think karma already paid me back when for secret Santa 3 years ago my housemate bought me pickle lip balm and banana ketchup. Gifts that remain unopened to this day. If not karma, why did this happen to me? I do believe in conspiracy theories. My favourite conspiracy theory is that the 1958 World Cup in Sweden never actually took place as no-one from Sweden remembers it. As a conspiracy theory believer, I smell something amiss with the distribution of this Secret Santa matchup. Dom Van Dam was in charge of organising the secret Santa. He is aware of my hatred of The Undertaker matches post 2014, he is aware of my hatred of Bill Goldberg matches ever and I’ve been ‘gifted’ Bill Goldberg vs The Undertaker from that Saudi show that I vowed never to watch. So, am I suggesting that someone as honourable as Dom Van Dam fixed the draw, so I got The Undertaker vs Bill Goldberg from Super Saudi Suck Fest? Yes. Yes, I bloody am.
I am now faced with a moral dilemma. Do I suck it up take one for the team and watch the match or does Bill vs Mark end up unopened like the Pickle Lip Balm of 2016…? I’m going to cage match if it’s under 10 minutes I’ll give it a go……shit 8.35. Dammit.
I never watched WCW as a kid, so I never saw the alleged ‘good’ Goldberg. The only thing I want to see him do is lie on his back for Matt Riddle. I love Matt Riddle; I wish someone had given me a Matt Riddle match. Remember that sprint with Ospreay in the Progress chapter that Pete Dunne won the title. I think he had another singles match with Ospreay in OTT. By the way Goldberg is walking to the ring still. This YouTube video is I think at a wrong speed as the commentator sounds like the chipmunks. Here comes Taker his music is sped up as well, hopefully that means the wassock will get to the ring quicker.
I will take this time to list some matches that are worth checking out from the last month on TV.
Angel Garza vs Lio Rush 1&2
Rey Fenix vs Nick Jackson
ReDRagon vs The Revival
Sounds like they’ve slowed the video back down again for the announcer. I hope they just sped it up as both of them take forever to get to the ring. This is a YouTube channel I can get behind.
I’ve had to switch channels, the other one had some shite jump cuts when the match started.
Goldberg opens up with a spear and another one. Not a surprise as that is the way every Goldberg match starts. Graves says ‘this is like watching Ali fight Tyson’ Graves is a twat.
Goldberg going to the leg work with a knee bar/heel hook. All that MMA work he’s been doing. Riddle mocking Goldberg on that WWE watch along was brilliant. It was whenever he fought Ziggler. Riddle and Shayna were watching it and Riddle just rinses Goldberg and his MMA camp. Worth checking out more than the match. Or this one.
Goldberg is bleeding, probably shouldn’t headbutt so many doors.
For a moment I worry that I am playing this at half speed, but no it’s just two old blokes who can’t move very well.
Old School from Taker. What a shite move.
This is quite funny. Undertaker sets up for the chokeslam but Goldberg rests on the ropes for about 30 seconds. He follows up with a tombstone. Goldberg kicks out at about. 1.9. Barely a 2.
‘There’s an eerie quiet in here’ says Renee. Yeah cos this is shit mate.
I hate whoever gave me this. I’ve gifted someone my match of the year. This is an absolute bag of wank.
Cole ‘The WWE universe showing their respect for these two in the ring’ - by remaining absolutely silent….
Goldberg comes out of a snake eyes and hits another Spear. Does he know any other moves? Apparently not. He went for a Jackhammer and dropped Taker on his head. Another kick out to an astounding silence.
HAHAHAHA. He picked him up for the tombstone and dropped Taker. This guy is shite. Taker looks pissed off. Chokelsam. It’s done.
Good grief. This Saudi Prince is the worst booker I’ve ever seen.
Well my reward for stealing Voices of Wrestling’s idea and trying to give my friends a nice new match to watch this year was pickle lip balm and banana ketchup.
Cheers lads. Happy Christmas.
Prediction: My guess is Armstrong or Shafi. If I had to push for one it would be Rob Armstrong.
Nerd giving: It’s the bringer of Karma. Shafi.
Nerd receiving: I don’t feel sorry for him at all. It’s Rob Armstrong.
Match:Clowns R Us vs The Royal Family - Survivor Series 1994 (editor’s note - I thought this was Rob making up a name for the match and checked the event page, it’s the actual name.
Shafi:When I was growing up this PPV was one of the few I had on VHS. Someone my parents knew recorded it off Sky and gave it to me because they knew I liked wrestling. Unfortunately, they recorded it in 'long play' and our ancient VCR didn't play that format so I had to wait a couple of years until I could actually watch the PPV I had read so much about in the WWF magazine. I was desperate to find out why Bulldog had thrown the towel in!
When I could finally watch it, I almost wore the tape out. My little sister hated wrestling and as we only had one VCR in the house, we would enter into intense negotiations about what we would watch during the school holidays as she would want to watch Grease for the 300th time and I just wanted to watch some damn wrestling.
This match was my ace in the hole. She liked slapstick comedy and we loved watching Jim Carrey movies, so I sold this match as being a comedy with clowns. Once the tape was in then my bargaining power for watching the rest of the PPV grew. She was overcome with buyer's remorse when this match was over and she had to watch Bob Backlund vs Bret Hart. As she got older she became wise to my tricks, but I will always remember this match for that reason. Merry Xmas nerd!
Rob:There are a few things that are certain in life. Death, taxes, political conversation at the Christmas table, and me getting the gimmicky little shit munchers match in the Nerd watch.
Surprise surprise, I got Clowns R Us vs The Royal Family. Looking at the combatants, I was quietly hoping my Christmas gift was going to be the lost episode where was Jim Royle and Baby David watch some children's tv. Instead it was Doink v Jerry the King Lawler in one those matches where if someone walks in the room you have to justify just WHY you like wrestling. A bit like those recent Lana segments, y'know?
So down comes Jerry the King, with his three mates who are all below 4 feet tall, but I don't know the politically correct name for. They're not big lads though. And they're called Queasy, Sleazy and Cheezy. Fucking Queezy, Sleazy and Cheezy. Also, Queezy is a big lad for a small lad, and looks freakishly like Jack Black from Nacho Libre.
The Doink the clown’s music plays and he comes down with three clown miniatures whose names also all rhymed. Dink, Pink and Cunt or something.
This match was also really, really long. Like obscenely long. Maybe over ten minutes? There wasn't much of a story being told other than that there were 6 people shorter than Doink and Jerry. I think there was a bit of a side story going on that Jack Blackeezy was bigger than Sleezy and Cheezy, but just I was getting invested - Doink was pinned.
"Thank fuck!" I screamed, "it's a Christmas miracle".
But no. Without anyone having mentioned at any point on commentary - it turns out this was an elimination tag, Big Doinkey Cool was out and now Jerry the King couldn't fight Dinky, Pinky or Cunty. They could only wrestle his short Royal mates.
Lawler being Lawler, the rules weren't for him and he helped Jack Black and the Rat Pack beat up the Insanely Small Clown Posse, sticking two on Pink, one on Stink and giving Dink the shocker eventually putting the crowd out of their misery.
Vince answered more of my Christmas prayers after and despite having seen 4 consecutive underwhelming clown pinfalls, that still wasn't enough. Doink the clown (whose real name was Matt Borne and apparently was a double hard bastard) came back down to the ring to throw a cream pie at Jerry the King.
So, while the double hard Doink was cream-pieing Lawler; Pink and Stink were getting under the ring doing something with Dink that I could hardly bring myself to watch.
I may have been watching Brazzers on my phone while watching this match to pass the time.
The winner of the match? My dog when he finds the sock under my bed.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!
Predictions:I'm just going to guess Shafi because he might have a sister and I reckon he lies to his family
So, after 11 happy nerds we got to the gag gifts, but we’re nerds and we love stats so 11/13 is an 84.62% success rate.
Good job Nerds. See you next year where I vote someone other than Dom gets to dish out the matches!
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