After sitting out the well received Summerslam 1994 last week, Nineties Mike was given the power of choosing the show. He trawled all the way back to 1985 and technically the first ever WWE PPV, The Wrestling Classic.
Thanks to their being 15 matches on this show, we are blessed with a few debuts from esteemed WSBF members here, including Wrestling For Attention alumni, Jake Waring. Shoutout to Charlie, who blessed us with news that he and his lovely wife Abigail are expecting this week - so we treated him to an Iron Sheik match!
ADRIAN ADONIS v CORPORAL KIRCHNER
I started watching wrestling in 1991 when WrestleMania 7 aired on Sky Movies (before Sky Sports even existed). I was so taken with what I had seen, I tried to consume as much as I could from the time before I started watching, I must have watched Hogan vs Andre hundreds of times.
As I got older, I watched more and more promotions and delved into the history of wrestling, I became full of useless wrestling knowledge. So for Mike to choose a WWF event I've never heard of between two wrestlers I don't remember ever seeing wrestle is quite the treat.
We are opening the tournament with Adrian Adonis w/Jimmy Hart vs Corporal Kirchner. Adonis is already in the ring and is not even afforded an entrance as 'The Fink' introduces him. Adonis, decked out in a leather jacket and no shirt, looks like Brian Pillman would have looked if he lived another 30 years and dedicated himself to obesity.
Corporal Kirchner is out next to upbeat military marching band theme music. He power walks to the ring to little fanfare and I wonder how the fans will be able to get 'Corporal Kirchner' into a chant. Wearing a camouflage vest and trousers, The Corp would be invisible in a forest but here the only thing that can't be seen is any semblance of babyface charisma. He puts his fists up as if to fight Adonis before the bell but this tease quickly subsides.
The bell rings and the third person in the ring appears to be an elderly gentlemen lost on his way to his weekly bridge session. My powers of deduction conclude that this must be the ref but this is not immediately clear as he his 90 years old and is cosplaying as Homer Simpson in a white shirt and blue trousers.
Jimmy Hart removes Adonis' jacket and it is revealed that Adrian is wearing the world's biggest pair of granny panties. If they were any bigger he would be able to tuck his manboobs into them, how Corporal Kirchner is going to avoid hitting below the belt on these monstrosities may turn out to be the story of the match.
They lock up and Adonis forces Corp into the corner. The ref then asks them both if they know where his wife is. They separate and Corp hits the world's worst arm drag. Desperate to outdo himself he then repeats the feat. Corp needs a rest after those scincilating moves and slaps on a headlock that ground Adonis for around a minute.
Adonis then escapes by hitting a beautiful back suplex, he may look ridiculous but its clear he can wrestle rings around his opponent. A Dusty style elbow floors Corp, then a snapmare and elbow drop keep Adonis on top. Another snapmare and now Adonis needs a break so puts on a chinlock. This is the Wrestling Classic not the Workrate Classic.
Corp escapes and hits three elbows to the gut. He then tries an Irish whip but cannot even manage that. Years later Corp would go on to be Leatherface in Japan who was based on the character from Texas Chainsaw Massacre - but here the most horrifying thing is his complete lack of wrestling ability.
Corp tries to set up for a suplex but messes up even putting Adonis' arm around his neck, his complete lack of coordination reminds me of the first date I had with my first ever girlfriend and how I tried to smoothly put my arm around her only to elbow her in the face and almost knock her out (who knew concussion could be an aphrodisiac?!).
Adonis reverses the suplex into a type of implant DDT and covers Kirchner. The ref counts 1-2 and then Corp kicks out on the stroke of 3 and the ref calls it. The ref lifts Adonis' arm whilst still looking lost.
This was a complete nothing match that brought joy to no one and we are all a little poorer for having watched it. My fears for the Corporal Kirchner chants were unfounded as he never did anything to get the fans onside, in a different era the only chants he would have elicited are ones of "You Can't Wrestle".
Adonis might not look the part, but it was obvious the difference in his and Corporate Kirchner's wrestling ability was as wide as the gap in their BMIs. Like my first girlfriend, the fans were 'treated' to 3 minutes of action that ultimately led to devastating disappointment. Wrestling Classic my arse.
WINNER - ADRIAN ADONIS BY DEVASATING DISAPPOINTMENT
DYNAMITE KID v NIKOLAI VOLKOFF
Ok. So this is going to need some padding. Dynamite Kid Vs Nikolai Volkoff. To talk briefly about Kid. I wouldn't put it as much of a stretch to say his matches with Tiger Mask are considered by many as the birth of Cruiserweight wrestling. Billed as 5"8 ,which might be generous, but Solid as they come.
He and cousin British Bulldog can list The Wigan Snake Pit and The Hart Dungeon as training facilities so you know your getting legit. Chain Wrestler and a few flips on top. In 2019 the sky would of been the limit for Dynamite. Volkoff doesn't carry the same attributes at this point. But boy can he get that heat. Mainly because his passport is from a country that is currently America's enemy but lets throw him some credit as well here.
Match opens with Howard Finkel informing us that this match has a 10 minute time limit. Don't think we are gonna need all of that Fink but thanks anyway. Introduced first at 240lbs (Yeah, really) is Dynamite Kid. Simple step forward and wave to the crowd. Dignified.
His opponent is from The Soviet Union (Loud Boos) and weighing in at 313lbs (Madness!). Finkel then informs us that Volkoff wants the crowd to rise for The Soviet National Anthem. Oh, and he's grabbed the Mic so looks like its his rendition as well. The boos are increasing. Must say his Red Tank Top with The Soviet Union flag plastered on it is definitely a look.
Volkoff belts out three or four lines. He's actually pretty good. But Dynamite has a plan. Sneaky word in the refs ear and the Bell rings. As soon as it chimes Dynamite is up top. By this point Volkoff has started insulting the crowd in his native tongue. He has no idea what is coming.
Dynamite hits a beautiful dropkick from the top rope. Volkoff is sent flying. Hot start here. Dynamite goes for the pin. 1----2-----3???? ITS OVER! SCREW THE SOVIETS. DYNAMITE IS IN THE DRAW FOR THE QUARTER FINALS!!!!!!
Dynamite does a celebratory flip in the ring before getting himself to the back. No doubt trying to stay in the zone and dreaming of a big away day in the next round. Volkoff is fuming and has every right to be. Referee didn't have the respect to hear the whole of the anthem. He doesn't know what hit him. You hate to see it.
WINNER - DYNAMITE KID BY NATIONAL ANTHEM DISRESPECT
IVAN PUTSKI v RANDY SAVAGE
Hello WSBF and today I'm reviewing a PPV that I've honestly never heard of. WWE Wrestling Classic. I said in my previous blog I have fuck all knowledge of wrestling before 96/97 but Mike has chosen this from back in 1985. Cheers Mike.
Anyway, I'm reviewing the wrestling clinic between Ivan Putski (who????) and Macho Man Randy Savage (OOOOOO YEAAAAAH). We have a pre-match interview with the Macho Man and Elizabeth being taken by Mean Gene. Macho Man says the Wrestling Classic is the most important thing right now and that he's ready. He's also nervous. Macho Man looks like he's on the ol powder he's moving about so much. He says he's hyper but that's code word for "lad I've done a line I'm raring to go oooooo yeah". Mean Gene cuts him off before he starts going on about cats...
So, Ivan Putski is from Krakow in Poland. Currently on my holiday to do list. Macho Man's infamous entrance music hits and he comes out with a couple of blokes who look like they've just busted out of prison. Every time I watch old WWE I get more and more confused by the outfit choices.
Jesse Ventura gets Ivan Putski's name wrong twice and the bell sounds. Savage is on the top rope and Putski kneels down basically saying "Mon then lad" in polish...I think. Savage spits at him and runs out the ring. Savage gets back in and puts Putski (see what I did there) into a hold. Putski turns around and spits back at Savage. Bit of a return to sender there.
Savage tells Elizabeth to move around the apron for an unknown reason and then decides to run full blast at Big Daddy Putski which doesn't work out well because he's hench as fuck and he knows it. They lock up, Savage tries to throw Putski head first into the corner, but it gets reversed.
Savage is a bit dazed and chills out near the ropes. They lock up again and Savage rakes the eyes of Putski and starts unloading on him. Putski is unfazed, turns the tide around and puts the pressure back on Savage. Putski is giving it to Savage right now. Savage is in the corner and Putski is booting him in the chest.
Savage grabs his leg, puts his own legs up on the ropes and 1,2, 3 Savage wins with the worlds shittiest heel pin attempt I've ever seen. How's the ref not spotted that! Savage and Elizabeth run to the back after that cheap win.
A very short match which didn't have much to talk about bar the fact Ivan Putski will forever be known to me as Big Daddy Putski. Who says that cheaters never prosper?
WINNER - RANDY SAVAGE BY DIRTY PIN
DAVEY BOY SMITH v RICKY STEAMBOAT
People might say to you 'Hey nerd, why are you watching these two hombres having a scrap in 1985?' Well to whatever dweeb said this to you, I say you get them in a front facelock ala Davey Boy Smith and hope they don't reverse it and pop you up in the air for a beautiful suplex, throw you into the ropes and knock you out before you've even really started.
When watching these toiling units, it's important to remember that one is a boy/dog and the other a dragon/boat, and therefore you know who is going to win before it starts, but this should not deter you from watching, far from it.
You should sit back and enjoy three minutes of classic wrestling, great commentary and quite simply lovely ring pants, being modelled on this occasion by both Dragon/Boat and Boy/Dog.
Fans of great tidbits of commentary will want to listen out for Gorilla Monsoon's fantastic use of the phrase 'and that's all she wrote', approximately halfway through this very short, yet very entertaining scrap.
WINNER - RICKY STEAMBOAT BY REF STOPPAGE
IRON SHEIK v JUNKYARD DOG
‘Springsteen, Madonna, way before Nirvana…’ this week’s NWW is from before my time, in 1985. My match the first round encounter between two icons of the 80s. The Junkyard Dog and The Iron Sheik. Two favourites for the tournament, perhaps?
First up, already in the ring, from Iran, The Iron Sheik! He’s better known in this decade for Twitter rants, Youtube clips and outstanding one-liners, but in the 80s, he’d ‘break your neck, make you humble, raisin balls!’. Admittedly, that was a quote from this decade, not the 80s.
Next down the aisle, chains aplenty, is The Junkyard Dog. Was that the WWF trying to create a BA Baracus type character? Maybe? Maybe he just fancied being a dog…
Straight into the action and Sheiky baby wastes no time unloading on the dog and the big man is swiftly off his feet and being strangled by the Sheik with his ring attire. That’s gotta be a DQ ref?! The Iron Sheik is the ultimate heel to an American audience and he plays it to perfection, taunting the audience and spitting towards his opponent.
The Junkyard Dog has had about enough and starts ‘Hulking up’ (I daren’t say Dogging up, this will get found in Google searches by cranks). On the backfoot, Iron Sheik falls to the floor,and receives a headbutt, which sends him through the ropes.
Back in the ring and the ‘JYD’ looks like he wants to put this away. He lines up the falling headbutt, but The Iron Sheik moves and is going for it…THE CAMEL CLUTCH! Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura says he’s never seen anyone get out of it…which is just as well, because Sheik let go?
WORSE THAN THE MICHAEL JACKSON, BUBBA!
Sheik stays in control, keeping Junkyard in the corner but the ref doesn’t like what he sees and tries to separate them before he calls for the DQ. The Iron Sheik retaliates and pulls the ref away, to the advantage of The Junkyard Dog, who hits the headbutt. 1, 2, 3. Pinfall and onto the next round, your winner is The Junkyard Dog.
WINNER - JUNKYARD DOG BY HEADBUTT
MOONDOG SPOT v TERRY FUNK
Today we return to the year of my birth, 1985, for the Wrestling Classic. The boss kindly offered me Randy Savage vs Dynamite Kid for my match after some stinkers in my previous three reviews.
Carelessly, I missed this message and volunteered for Moondog Spot vs Terry Funk. No idea who Moondog Spot is. He's is already in the ring. He has a banging beard. Terry Funk comes in looking young. He cuts a promo on a mic with terrible audio. Moondog Spot has a bone with him!
Terry Funk offers Moondog a contour draw. Terry holds the rope open for Spot, but he is way and tells Terry to go first. They leave. Spot starts walking up the ramp. Terry punches him, Funk returns to the ring but Spot stops him.
Spot gets back body dropped (sort of) into the ring at nine and a half and the ref counts 10 before Funk can get back between the ropes. Post match there is an unsuccessful beatdown. Spot celebrates and it took you longer to read this than tif you had actually watched the entire thing!
Who is picking these events??? I can’t say a lot more about this. Match rating….A Frankie Fredericks bronze medal 200m run. Decent 20 seconds but could probably be beaten by Michael Johnson.
WINNER - MOONDOG SPOT BY COUNT OUT
TITO SANTANA v DON MURACO
Next up we have Tito Santana vs Magnificent Muraco for the Side Headlock Championship.
You won’t believe what the first half of this match is comprised of... You bet, seven straight minutes and counting of side headlocks here tonight.
10 minutes. 13 minutes. The commentary makes this watchable, commenting of how a side headlock can really wear one down, I completely understand this. It’s wearing ME down!
Here we go, side Russian leg sweep from Muraco breaks the side headlock! He now gains control. It’s quite a weird dynamic having the face lay the headlock for a vast majority of the match, I naturally just assumed he was the heel.
Tito runs a John Cena-esque fight back before the ref calls for the bell? What? Why?
I’ve actually no idea why this really great match was stopped.
Oh here we go, double DQ for no apparent reason? If there were ever a reason for a DQ in this match it was for laying a 13 minute side headlock. I award this match 0 points and may God have mercy on their souls...
(Editor note: I think this match made Mat delirious, apparently Tito won via rollup)
WINNER - TITO SANTANA BY DEATH TO MAT'S SENSES
COWBOY BOB ORTON v PAUL ORNDORFF
In my opinion, the nerds of WSBF need their heads checking. What on earth is this event. 1985? Would rather write a dissertation on the novel by Anthony Burgess than cover one of these bloody 30 second matches.
Turns out I got one of the longest ones… Paul Orndoff and the man we have to blame for Randy Orton square off in this first round match up. The action is fast, snappy, and back and forth early on - something I hadn’t thought was possible with those involved.
Orton took control quickly thereafter and used the same tactics (rest holds) his son has plagued us with the past 10 years. Orndoff finally stops the suffering when he turns the tables, reversing a head scissors - leading to Orton illegally hitting Mr. Wonderful with a dodgy cast.
Ref actually sees it for the first time in wrestling history, and gives the DQ. Take note, Roberts.
WINNER - PAUL ORNDORFF BY DISQUALIFICATION
ADRIAN ADONIS v DYNAMITE KID
We cut to the ring from a backstage interview for the match. Both guys are already in the ring. Whilst I normally will look down on 'jobber entrances' this makes sense given how many matches are on this show. The ring announcer tells you who each guy has already beaten in the previous round. I like that. It reminds you of the level of competition and adds to the importance of this tournament.
Dynamite is jacked. I wonder how he got so jacked...Jimmy Hart, however, looks the same here as he does in the 90s and even as he does now, pretty much. He must have a groovy portrait in his attic. The camera is quite zoomed out to start with which is unconventional for Kevin Dunn. Times have changed, I guess. Gorilla and Jesse on commentary and we're off to the races. They have great rapport and it adds a warmth to a match I'm predisposed to not expect much from.
Apparently we have new, longer, time limits of 15 mins per match for this round. Smart move. Tougher competitors who can make it through the opening round should not be expected to go down as easily. I don't know much about Adonis but Dynamite was the premier worker of his day so I'm hoping that this is at least okay. However I will say Adonis is not much of an Adonis. He looks like Brian Pillman filled up on too many donuts like Homer in that Treehouse of Horror episode.
Apparently the next match is Macho Man vs Ricky Steamboat. That sounds like it should be decent at least. I'm told both guys can work...
Adonis has a heat segment going and it is not much. This man makes Bad Luck Fale look energetic and if you've seen his recent G1 performances I think that says a lot. He hits a snapmare, sort of, right into a chinlock.
Jimmy Hart at ringside looks ridiculous. In a great way, that is. He's the only person with any energy in and around the ring, besides the ref possibly. I'm certainly more inclined to keep my eyes on him. Adonis surprises me by locking in a Rock-esque Sharpshooter, kind of. Given who he's doing it to and the extended family he's part of, it's a nice touch.
Victory roll out of the corner gets a two for Dynamite. Another Hart would use that to success a decade later. Dynamite counters a bulldog and posts Adonis! He actually takes a decent bump into the post. Dynamite follows up with a second rope kneedrop which is impressive given the rest of the match. Adonis kicks out at one as the commentary informs us he kicked out 'at the last split second'. OK.
Dynamite keeps going with a diving headbutt from his feet, almost Honma-esque. It's not as bad as off the ropes, but this doesn't need to be a thing. Admittedly it is the 80s so we really didn't know. Miscommunication ensues and Jimmy Hart is down...and so is Adonis, for the three count no less!
Dynamite got a three count off of that? Well, whatever works. This was short and inoffensive, so two thumbs up from me! Someone on Twitter is saying that Dynamite had better matches than Will Ospreay is having now and I gotta tell you, I just don't see it.
WINNER - DYNAMITE KID BY MISCOMMUNICATION
RICKY STEAMBOAT v RANDY SAVAGE
This match up was good entertainment in such a small space of time. Starts off with Randy Savage goading a much more eager Ricky Steamboat by pointing at his face before using Miss Elizabeth as a human shield.
Steamboat turns his back on the pair and gets attacked by Savage. A classic heel move which seems to be the theme here for Savage. They both evenly match each other throughout the bout by exchanging assaults as they take the fight to the outside the ring before bringing it back inside for Savage to steal the win by striking Steamboat with a pair of brass knuckles.
The crowd are fuming which makes this an ultimate shithouse of an effort by my man Randy Savage. A thoroughly enjoyable match!
WINNER - RANDY SAVAGE BY SHITHOUSERY
JUNKYARD DOG VS MOONDOG SPOT
We start with Mean Gene cutting a backstage interview with Moondog Spot. Mean Gene is filling us in enthusiastically about the stellar matches we have seen so far whilst Spot stares vacantly whilst chewing on his Bone.
Now and again we get a "Hey" or "Ooh" from Spot but he's obviously struggling with the concept of conversation so its left to Gene to fill the time with questions that are answered by another chomp on the Bone. Its Bonkers. Its Wrestling. I love it!
We cut back to the ring. Another opportunity to see the brave fashion choices of Gorilla and Jesse. They then throw to Howard Finkel who starts by introducing Moondog Spot. There is no music and no crowd reaction here. Junkyard is out next to maybe the most under-rated theme tune from this era. "Grab Them Cakes". I hope that he isn't inferring he is going to molest Women. Different time I guess. Anyway the song Bangs! Chain is wrapped around him and the fans are going Potty. Maybe they also wanna grab them cakes?
Hot start here as Moondog doesn't let Junkyard settle and is hammering him with blows as he attempts to enter the ring. Which Dog is going to rule the yard? Wait, there is no Ref. Like actually no ref. What is going on? Is this a brawl? Where is President Jack Tunney. These dogs are running wild and he's nowhere to be seen. Is this Just Vince sticking his middle finger up to Crockett and the NWA. YOU NEED REFS IN THIS GAME OR THERE ARE NO RULES AND THE WHOLE THING IS POINTLESS!!! God I sound so fun.
Anyway, I'll try to ignore it. Spot goes middle rope and misses with a splash. Junkyard then hits his terrible Dog Position headbutts that I can just never get with. I know that makes me boring but they look rank. "We don't seem to have a ref" explains Gorilla. Hop in there and take control then Lad!
So then Junkyard hits a normal headbutt on Spot and pins him. NO REF. WHAT YOU GONNA DO JUNKYARD! Oh, he just counts the three himself. Well sorry Pal but you need an official for that to be...erm...Official. This is a Prestigious Tournament after all. Oh wait, no you don't because the time keeper has rung the bell. YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING.
Who made Junkyard a ref? It makes no sense. The Timekeeper is worse than Junkyard. How has he seen that and decided this one is over. Yep, Fink announces Junkyard the winner. Shit show. The reputation of this tournament is in tatters. A dark day for the One True Sport of wrestling.
WINNER - JUNKYARD DOG BY SHITSHOW
PAUL ORNDORFF v TITO SANTANA
Fink informs us that this is the final quarter final of the tournament as Jesse Ventura runs through his Chico Santana schtick. He treats Tito the same as Corey Graves does Sasha Banks, disbelieving he is as nice as he says and expecting a dirty shot at any minute. But with added xenophobia.
We get not one - but three handshakes - before the bell! Maybe Jesse is on to something after all! Tito is the intercontinental champion here and Orndorff seems fully aware that a win will see him in contention for a title shot.
The opening two or three minutes are all on the mat as they deliver holds to one another before Orndorff attempts a pin. Santana kicks out and we get a stood stalemate - without the 1990's standing ovation.
Jesse then moves onto Orndorff saying when will the 'real' Orndorff show. Monsoon doesn't believe him that he is capable of stooping low. Little did he know that Ventura was right!
Orndorff locks in a hammerlock armbar and Santana has to reach for the ropes. They clinch fists and this scientific match appears to be on the edge of breaking down. Ventura is providing a masterclass here of planting seeds of doubt into the characters of these two well loved superstars.
Santana takes an atomic drop and really sells the heavily taped leg. He is in the corner screaming in pain as the ref stops Orndorff from advancing towards him. Orndorff allows Santana to get back to his feet. Ventura is furious with that decision!
However, Mr Wonderful synchs in back to back holds that directly attack the leg. He attempts a third with a spinning toe hold, but Tito shoots him off and gets back to a vertical base. He hops around the ring on one leg, still pushing through the pain.
They lock up and end up in the ropes and Orndorff NAILS Santana with a punch that sends Tito to the floor. I TOLD YOU GORILLA excitedly yells Ventura. Orndorff heads outside too to follow up, and we get a pier six brawl with wild punches being thrown. The ref counts to 10 and both men are eliminated!
That was actually a very fun story for a match worked at a very slow pace. It had me invested and knowing that Orndorff was shortly to make his heel turn, this offers a great pretext to that. Long term storytelling! Enjoyable stuff.
We then head to the tournament brackets backstage where Lord Alfred Hayes appears to be sexually assaulting poor Susan whilst Vince ploughs on with the show... WRESTLING!
WINNER - LORD ALFRED HAYES BY TOXIC MASCULINITY
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - HULK HOGAN (C) v RODDY PIPER
Everyone is here! Vince McMahon, “Lord” Alfred Hayes, “Mean Gene” Okerlund, Howard Finkel, even bloody Jack Tunney! And with the classic pairing of Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “The Body” Ventura on comms, this truly is vintage WWF!
After a procession of mid-carders and bullshit finishes dominating the tournament, I’m all settled in for what’s sure to be a classic encounter…
In a match for the WWF title, current champ and huge fan favourite Hulk Hogan (you may have heard of him) takes on bitter long-time rival, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper in a match that is billed with a ONE HOUR TIME LIMIT. Bloody hell, hope nobody in attendance took that seriously?!
Before we begin, it’s time for a bracket update, which Vince has to interrupt Hayes virtually molesting a poor Susan, who has been professionally updating said bracket up to this point, to get a comment on.
Out comes Piper, with bagpipers in tow, making that famous old racket. Hogan gets an interview, and says all of the same old things before his entrance song kicks in and the crowd go batshit crazy. It’s mental to think fans put up with him and his never-ending winning for so many years! But what’s this? Hogan in white? Presumably the red and yellow was a little way off becoming his regular garb. Finger point? Check. Shirt torn off? Check.
We kick off with a tug of war for the belt (not quite as dramatic or naff as Reigns and Lesnar in 2015) and despite Piper seemingly taking advantage, it spills outside and they trade blows like maniacs. Ventura points out that we won’t see much wrestling, and to prove his point Hogan throws Piper over the barricade.
Back in, Piper rakes the eyes and two neck strikes show that Piper will stop at nothing to inflict pain on Hogan. Irish whip reversal and shoulder charge and Piper does the Flair delayed fall. Big moves from Hogan including a backdrop, a powerslam and two elbow drops - Piper is in trouble.
Ref steps in, and Piper takes advantage with a blindside punch, which Ventura applauds. Piper is back in control now, up on the turnbuckle, but Hogan catches for a bearhug before Piper pokes the eyes again! Nobody can take control in this match, swinging back and forth again and again.
Piper locks in his sleeper hold finish, but Hogan gets to the ropes. Piper won't let go and the hold isn’t broken. More ref shenanigans (sure this won’t be the last either!). Classic Hogan in submission third arm drop recovery shock! He then, smartly, carries them both over the top rope and the hold is finally broken.
Brawling outside eventually feeds into the ring, and Hogan appears to be on his way to victory here, but you guessed it, ref bump! As the ref reels, rolls and looks every other way but at the wrestlers, Piper decimates Hogan with a brutal chair shot.
Hogan stops the second attempt before hitting Piper back with the steel seat. Now Hogan has a chair-assisted sleeper on and… “Cowboy” Bob Orton comes in and clatters Hogan with his loaded cast right under the ref’s nose.
He saw that alright and calls for the DQ. As the bell is rung over and over, Orton stomps holes in Hogan, followed by further shots with his cast before Orndorff runs in and chases Piper and Orton off with a steel chair of his own.
Here’s the decision, as only Howard Finkel can do justice, the winner as a result of a disqualification and still World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Champion, Hulk Hogan! The crowd are so loud you can barely hear his music!
Seven minutes, about as many wrestling moves and a DQ finish? Definitely peak Eighties WWF. An undebatable great pick by myself I think you’ll all agree"
WINNER - WWF CHAMPION HULK HOGAN BY DISQUALIFICATION
DYNAMITE KID v RANDY SAVAGE
G’day lads, Dom Van Dam here for NWW and Chairman Casey was looking after me a little bit when he assigned me Savage vs. Dynamite. We do like a good sprint here on NWW, me particularly this week because I’m currently in a hostel in Bristol preparing myself for the session.
Nonetheless, this contest is certainly a sprint but what it lacks in time, it makes up for in intensity. The Babyface Brit shines throughout and there is no heat, nor comeback. We do get sunset flips, dropkicks, and even a top rope superplex for the finish, mind. But the dastardly Macho Man is able to hook the legs in a small package upon impact to secure the 1,2,3.
Drink lots of water; look after your mates. DVD.
WINNER - MACHO MAN BY DASTARDLY LEG HOOK
WRESTLING CLASSIC TOURNAMENT FINAL - JUNKYARD DOG v RANDY SAVAGE
For those of you not currently reading from the UK, it's 63 degrees Celsius outside, which was called "17,800 Fahrenheit" when this match was on in 1985. Randy Savage limped down to the ring, weighed down by the weight of expectation and knowledge that he only had 26 years left to live.
Junkyard Dog came down the ramp to a funky tune, covered in the chains of an insensitive mid-eighties gimmick. The match starts with Savage throwing his missus at the JYD, before then throwing a chair at him. JYD hits himself in the head with the chair repeatedly which should probably be a disqualification. HOW AM I MEANT TO SUSPEND MY DISBELIEF WHEN NO ONE FOLLOWS THE FUCKING RULES.
Thankfully, my rage is nullified by a three minute standing bearhug. That's how they do it in the streets. I'm invested in the match again now. Give it to me. After the breakneck pace at the start of this match, I took a look to see how long was left and it looks like it's about 4 minutes.
Having not watched the rest of the card I'm assuming that means the gimmick of the Wrestling Classic was that every match was about 170 seconds long. Now that's classic wrestling.
When did double axe handles from the top go out of fashion? Is it because they're quite visibly shit? Why does Chris Jericho still do them? The words "double axe handles from the top" can also be replaced with "leather trousers", "waistcoats" and "cruise ship holidays".
Macho Man gets caked in boos as he goes for his third double axe handle from the top. Luckily though, JYD figured out how to reverse it. Stand still and punch him in the gut. "This capacity crowd is on their feet" says Mean Gene. They weren't.
Then JYD throws Savage over the top rope and wins by count out to a smattering of neither boos or cheers. Just murmurs and the sounds of people saying "Oh, is that it? Shall we fuck off then?"
Vince signs off by saying it was one of the most exciting nights of wrestling he can ever remember. His nose is four times the length at the end of the sentence as it was at the beginning.
WINNER - JUNKYARD DOG BY FUCKING COUNT OUT
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