YES! It's an extender! This week we have a special three parter... starting with our review of the pre-show promos from the competitors of the 1990 Royal Rumble. Expect raised voices, pulsating muscles and probably a lot of drugs.
Let's get to it!
Big Boss Man (Connolly)
This Bossman promo is predictably great. The talking early on is done by his manager Slim. He is feuding with Hacksaw Jim Duggan here and Slim makes a reference to Duggan having a small brain. He tells Duggan to bring his Mother because he's gonna give her a slap too, which is OTT in my book.
Bossman leers over Slim and pants heavily throughout this. I'd like to say this makes things more intense but Bossman appears more like a frustrated dogger than an athlete. Whilst he is working that "slap your parent" heat angle Bossman interjects by calling Hacksaw something that I can't determine through his thick southern draw.
He encourages him to bring his 2X4 because he's bringing his standard issue PR24 (His Knightstick) and he's going to crack Hacksaw open with it. I'd actually want to see that.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan (Carlson)
The saw looks like it's going through his head like a halloween costume. Keyword there, whys it not a fucking hacksaw? Saying that they are a disgrace to the United States of America is also a strong start. Mine's bigger than yours?
Woah woah woah what is he talking about there?! He clarifies by ending the promo holding a very generous piece of lumber.
The Genius (Pete)
Pete didn't do his reviews this week but I think he would have wanted to say that the real Genius is Katsuyori Shibata.
Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake (Carlson)
This is one lubed up galoot and this honestly looks like the start of a porno. I'm surprised he can even hold his shears with all the oil on his body.
I don't mind hearing a cheeky humpty dumpty nod as he sees out the promo erratically snapping his lubed up scissors.
Greg Valentine (Connolly)
It's a running joke now that I love Greg "The Hammer" Valentine and it's not a myth. I love his dog collar match with Piper at Starrcade 83 and he is as solid a hand as can be found during the 80's. Rhythm and Blues is a tag team I could of booed in any era. So I'm delighted that I "randomly" got drawn him for this Rumble Promo watch. He's managed by Jimmy Hart at this point and it's Hart who starts. It seems Valentine is facing "the Man with the hands of stone" Ronnie Garvin in a submission match. Hart states Valentine will not quit.
Then Hammer gets a chance to spit whilst Hart offers the soft caress. Valentine reiterates that he will not quit. Hammer then calls his play by saying he will use his bogus shin guard to make Garvin quit. Calling an illegal spot is risky. He must be hoping Hebner is the ref because any ref worth their salt is going to see that and be eagle eyed to such shenanigans. He says he is going to smash (Hammer, smash lol!) Garvin and I bloody hope he did.
The Bushwhackers (Brum)
I’ve got some Kiwi mates & I’ve watched most of Taika Waititi’s films & yet I didn’t get much of this promo. They were saying “Bloody” a lot. They also said they were going to send the Rougeaus' back across the border where they belong. Some solid American patriotism there from the definitely not American Bushwhackers.
Hot Bushwhacker fact: I believe they’re the only tag team to get both 5 stars & minus 5 stars from the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. This promo is much closer to the latter.
The Fabulous Rougeaus (DVD)
G’day lads and welcome to the NWW that I have been the most excited for in the concept’s illustrious history. These promo packages before a Royal Rumble were my favourite part of wrestling, full stop, as a kid and undisputedly the thing I missed most whilst watching the Rumble this year. Imagine if instead of the young lad from The Street Profits cutting his promo in his constipated style, we actually got to hear from the announced participants from the Rumble match?
My first number for the 1990 Royal Rumble is Jacques and Ray Rougeau. The fabulous ones are working a camp sort of gimmick and calling out the kiwi boys from The Bushwhackers. The final lasting tag line is “you’re gonna take a tumble at the Rumble.” Hmmm, maybe the Street Profits aren’t so bad.
Brother Love (Carlson)
Fuck me lock up your children. This guy is like a fat evil chipmunk. Just the hand gestures alone could land you in prison today. This rocket has danced through this 20 second promo just insinuating a threesome really.
Roddy Piper (Ross)
Piper is sporting an excellent late 80s mullet and donning the classic Hot Rod! shirt that Ronda has popularised of late. He starts by screaming what sounds like Tatanka's war cry, but then proceeds to just admit he's glad the match is on a Sunday because he may die in the ring with these gargantuans and that means he can go to heaven.
Talk about giants, talk about lizards... talk about good looking guys who could win it. He holds his face with a smile on that last remark. I had one on mine too. Barmy as ever.
Andre & Haku (JCH)
This was confusing. Bobby Heenan chats about how there are no friends, whilst Andre and Haku argue in the background. I genuinely thought I had something playing from another browser tab.
Bad News Brown (Brum)
I believe Brown opens this promo by saying “If I was your beer belly share croppers..”. What is a beer belly share cropper? Am I a beer belly share cropper? I need to know if I’m supposed to take Brown’s subsequent advice. The promo finishes with a disorienting zoom & I’m not sure if it was intentional or if the cameraman is just a beer belly share cropper.
WMXXXVI Fantasy Booking: Bad News Brown vs Bad News Barrett (PN News as special guest ref)
Jimmy Snuka (Pete)
Pete didn't do his reviews this week but I think he would have wanted to say that Snuka may be a real life murderer, but the true in-ring murderer is Katsuyori Shibata.
Koko B Ware (Connolly)
How good is Koko B Ware? I get annoyed when people say he shouldn't be in the Hall of Fame. He's super fun and made so many of these muscle freaks look so very special throughout his run and he had a parrot called Frankie. Anyway this is a brief one. "Frankie, can you survive the Royal Rumble?" . Frankie squarks. Is Frankie in the rumble? "Frankie, can I survive the Royal Rumble?" No Squark. He's sandbagged him in the promo.
Frankie then decides he fancies nibbling Koko's head for the rest of the promo. "I might go in early, I might go in late but brother don't forget.....The Royal Rumble". I hope you have more of an idea what he meant than me with that statement but I still love Koko.
Rick Martel (RJF)
Never seem this guy before, probably never see him again. His gimmick is he’s a model, doesn’t care if Lady Luck is on his side because he’s ready always dressed for success. Irony is, he’s topless…
The Hart Foundation (DVD)
Lastly in my Pulp Fiction Package is the Hart Foundation of Bret and Anvil. The boys in pink begin their allotted time with Neidhart explaining the rules of the match; always important to know, and I can’t personally think of a more qualified official to run us through the ins and outs. The problem is the rules seem to upset the big rhino so much that he will not stop yelling!
Bret has to tell him to “mellow out.” You know if Bret Hart is telling you to relax, you must be wound pretty tightly. Bret then finishes with all the high spots: something something “pink and black attack,” something something “survival of the fittest,” something something “best man win.”
Hearing these generic terms reminds me of Bret’s claim that he never made promises to win matches in promos if he knew he wasn’t going to win. So with that in mind, the last 20 seconds or so here, is actually just Bret inadvertently putting over eventual winner, Hulk Hogan.
The Rockers (Brum)
Oh look it’s former IC champion & Father of the Year, Marty Jannetty & his trusted sidekick, Shawn Michaels. Marty says the Rumble is the biggest event of 1990 (FUCK YOU MANIA, FUCK YOU). Even at this tender age, Shawn had great cadence. He does a strange thing by saying “2 men” but raising 1 finger though.
Rick Rude (JCH)
Another member of the Heenan Family - But did you know it’s only man for himself? Rude doesn’t have Heenan talking over him and tells us all how he’s going to win the Rumble. I feel a common theme for these promos.
Hercules (Brum)
This is the 4th & last 1990 Rumble promo I’ve reviewed & it’s definitely the worst. He just meanders about praying for stuff and warning people. If you can spare another 90 minutes, I’d watch the underrated 1997 Disney film of the same name instead.
Jake "The Snake" Roberts
Jake minus the snake in this promo, he’s flying solo. He basically calls the rumble a bad idea, the only way to leave happy is to leave healthy, and the only way to be healthy is money. Led the way for Kevin Nash to go through his career I guess.
Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart (Ross)
Jim is wearing his patented sunglasses here and it's probably just as well as his eyes would have given away the fact he had no idea what to say here.
They are coming from behind, from on top, from the side, a new man every two minutes and there is nowhere to hide. But its the luck of the draw. But what counts is being the last man in there.
Yes Jim. Thank you for that public service announcement. He manically laughed a lot, and slowed down to say certain Rumble rules. Nothing about what he would do or his plan, but he was very forthcoming with the rules. Get that man a ref shirt!
Warlord & Barbarian (JCH)
Will they mention Every Man for themselves? No. They are sensible and say I’ll take 1 and you take 2 and we’ll just throw people out as they arrive. Mr Fuji says he doesn’t lose. So he’s happy.
Dusty Rhodes (DVD)
Up next in my Promo Pourri is The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes. Throughout 1989 and 1990 The Dream was embroiled in his feud with The Macho King, if you will. His promo here focuses on Randy Savage more than winning The Rumble match itself.
Dusty promises revenge for the attack that Savage inflicted during the PPV and tells us that Savage will “get his dues” in the main event. We even go hone here with Sweet Sapphire yelling something at the camera, she at least knows the guy’s name who they are feuding with I guess.
Tito Santana (Pete)
Pete didn't do his reviews this week but I think he would have wanted to say that Tito may think he's a matador, but the one bull he can't fight is Katsuyori Shibata.
Earthquake & Dino (RJF)
A lot of shouting, they also have a manager who started the promo, also shouting. Shouted a lot of words but didn’t really say anything, something about being the worlds strongest man. Mark Henry was no where to be seen though. Dino shouts about being in the rumble, standing alone. Teasing a split between these two perhaps.
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