After freely admitting that he muted our PROGRESS group chat for months, Ro then hit us with another dagger in the heart by revealing that he doesn't read our Nerd Watch Wednesdays...
However, after a brilliant stag do where he actually enjoyed New Japan last weekend, Ro decided to actually take part and make his debut in this article this week. I was on cloud nine... until he revealed ECW December to Dismember as his selection.
Widely remembered as a shocker of a show, let's see how it holds up 13 years later!
THE HARDY BOYZ v MNM
By Rich Leech
So here we are, kicking off the December to Dismember with some tag team action.
MNM head out first along a quickly rolled out red carpet dressed like they were the inspiration for Tyler Breeze. Melina getting all the attention from the crowd and commentary, Mercury and Nitro may as well not be in the ring. A quick recap from MNM’s attack on the Hardy’s, now here come the brothers. Huge Hardy’s chant from the crowd. Tazz talking about Melina some more, must have been for a recent trip to the Jerry Lawler school of commentary. Mercury and Matt kick off the match. Fittingly the ref looks like the wrestler, and name sake of MNM, Eminem. Matt has the upper hand before all 4 men end up in the ring. Ref kicks out Jeff and Nitro.
Hardy’s work a good double team on Nitro before some crazy wheel barrow double team move on Mercury. Couple of tags now MNM getting back into things. Nitro and Matt in the ring, Matt with the upper hand. Huge mountain bomb from Matt but Mercury breaks up the count at 2. Now Melina distracts Matt who chases after her and Mercury floors him. Double team from MNM and now they have the upper hand.
Johnny Nitro looking in as good shape as he did during his appearance on CBS’s Survivor a couple of years ago, let’s see if he’s more successful in this match than he was on Survivor. More comments from Tazz about Melina, now he’s discussing having her legs scissored around his head... I’m not sure if he’s realised the match has started yet.
Matt manages to counter a double team with a massive double neck breaker, very impressive! He’s looking for the hot tag with Jeff but MNM take out Jeff in the apron and continue to beat down on Matt.
Melina screaming some more, Tax loves it! MNM mock Matt and try the twist of fate, but Matt counters and gets the hot tag with Jeff who beats down MNM, gets a close 2 count just broken up by Nitro.
Matt close lines Mercury to the outside and spring boards over the top rope for a cross body. Huge EC DUB chant and out of nowhere Nitro comes flying in with a cross body onto Matt. More EC DUB chants as Jeff heads to the top turnbuckle and throws himself on everyone below. Holy Shit chants from the crowd, things are really heating up now!
Poetry in motion on Mercury, followed by the Twist of Fate, Jeff goes for the huge Swanton Bomb but Nitro pulls him out of the way. Nobody home! Nitro attacks Jeff with a spring board cross body for a 2 count. Crowd trying to rally the Hardy’s back into this one.
Mercury tags back in and slowly works over Jeff’s back, targeting the back since the missed Swanton. “Simple but good, kinda like you commentary” from Tazz, made me chuckle a bit and Tazz is finally commentating on the match and not Melina.
More targeting of the lower back of Jeff. Jeff manages to counter with a sunset flip but Mercury gets the blind tag as Nitro is flipped over so Jeff is now pinning the non legal man. So the comeback didn’t last long as Mercury now works over Jeff.
After a flash in the pan with some dives to the outside, the pace has been slowed down a lot by MNM since the missed Swanton. Jeff stretches for a tag, but Matt is brawling with Mercury on the outside so Nitro pulls Jeff to their corner. Poor guy being beaten down big time.
Oh my, where did that come from! Some how Jeff spring boards to the top turnbuckle and hits a Whisper in the the Wind out of nowhere on MNM and makes it to Matt for the tag! Game on!
Matt running wild! He beats down both men, hits a Side Effect in the both. Huge near fall! The crowd thought that was it! He hits the leg drop from the top, another huge kick out by Nitro, the original Johnny Kick Out some may say...
Jeff tags, both Hardy’s hit stereo Superplex’s but Melina distracts the ref so he missed Jeff having the pin. Jeff goes to sort things out and blocks the slap by Melina. Jeff also avoids the dropkick from Nitro who absolutely destroys Melina off the apron.
Jeff gets the surprise roll up on Nitro, this is it, the crowd are counting with the ref, 1, 2, NO! Johnny Kickout strikes again, the whole arena can’t believe it! To quote Taz “that was close”.
Mercury helps Nitro get back on top and they hit the Snap Shot on Jeff. 1, 2, NO! Matt comes flying into the screen from nowhere and breaks up the pin! Wow this is a cracker, no time to breathe now.
Melina is still dead outside the ring. Taz seems concerned. MNM try and set up the Super Snap Shot off the top turnbuckle on Jeff but Matt breaks it up and hits the double neck breaker on both men off the second rope. He lays both men on top of each other and Jeff hits the Swanton Bomb onto both men, 1, 2, 3! Wow, lovely stuff!
Great match, a slow stretch in the middle but worked with the story telling of Jeff missing the Swanton and MNM working over his back. Melina still down outside the ring and Tazz is still very concerned. The match was about 25 minutes long but really didn’t feel like it. Lovely stuff and a great match to kick off the show!
WINNERS - THE HARDY BOYZ BY DOUBLE SWANTON BOMB
BALLS MAHONEY v MATT STRIKER
By Ross Casey
First off, let it be said that I love Matt Striker. If he was used to his potential, he would be spoken about alongside the likes of The Miz and MJF as excellent chicken shit heels. He arrives first here, sporting a fuchsia pink cut off cashmere sweater, before lecturing the fans on violence in society.
He says this match will be under extreme rules and the crowd go potty - then he swerves them and explains that he means an extreme enforcement of rules. What a bloody bloke. He follows that by bringing in the ref and describing the rules - no gouging, no hair pulling, no moves off the top rope and no foul language... please.
Let's see if Balls can wrestle under Striker's rules, he asks. He then removes his sweater to reveal his face on his own arse, which seems to be in the process of being eaten by his actual arse, as his pants are so tight.
Balls Mahoney arrives looking like your local crackhead, but as this is under Striker's rules, commentary do a great job of explaining that despite his appearance, Balls is actually a very accomplished amateur style grappler.
Balls gets control early doors and Striker comedically makes the ropes in fear of getting tangled up in a submission. The camera zooms in on his tight pants, with his own face providing him with a wedgie.
A bit later we get a kriss kross and Balls attempts to leapfrog Striker, but he catches his knee and lands awkwardly. These two have all the in-ring chemistry of your worst date. The psychology here is good - I particularly like that Striker breaks his own rules by pulling the hair - but this ECW crowd wants blood and guts and what they are providing here is a Butlins type match.
I'm eating it up, but know your audience, chaps! The crowd chants Striker Sucks, which must be music to his ears, but just as my hopes are raised, Tazz makes some pretty homophobic comments on commentary. Sigh.
Balls goes high, but Striker knocks him off the turnbuckle. Someone in the front row heckles him, he looks him in the eye, shrugs and says 'NO TOP ROPE'. Glorious. However, when we attempt to put forth some gusto in the match, the pace continues to plod and the execution of moves are wayward to say the least.
Striker works the arm throughout - only for Balls to use it in a Low Down for the win out of nothing, really. This was NOT good. However, Striker provided plenty of fun, which is tarnished by the clear intention to show him as effeminate to a 'violent' fanbase, so they bay for him to get hammered by a chair wielding misfit.
This match leaves a bitter taste in the mouth. Balls looked out of shape (he was capable of a main event showing in ECW back in'99 but not here) and also out of his comfort zone, whilst Striker worked well with the hand he was dealt.
If he was with a more accomplished wrestler doing this gimmick it would work, but against most of the extremists of this time, he was working with diminishing returns. The storyline of forcing them to wrestle real matches and then bending his own rules is stellar, but the execution here was way off, through no real fault of his own.
Did I mention I like Matt Striker? Where can I get those pants?
WINNER - BALLS MAHONEY BY LO-DOWN MATCH RATINGS
ELIJAH BURKE & SYLVESTER TERKAY v THE F.B.I
By Matt Brummitt
“He is the biggest, toughest, strongest guy I've ever wrestled." – Kurt Angle
Can one parse the subject of the quote? Brock Lesnar? Mark Henry? Big Show, perhaps? Or maybe a Cena or a Batista? I apologise, wily young whippersnappers, as this is not your first rodeo, nor your first obscure trivia question seemingly apropos of nothing, so you will rightly assume the answer will not come from the usual suspects.
And it does not. But it does come from the match I’m reviewing today. It’s only Sylvester Bloody Terkay. Granted, this quote was from their amateur days, but what’s wrestling without a little dramatic licence? This is not the only red hot Terkay titbit I present to you today (#TerkayTitbit) as, unlike utter losers like Andre The Giant & Undertaker, Sylvester went his entire televised WWE run undefeated in singles competition. Wowzer.
If the above didn’t get your loins jittering, may I introduce you to Terkay’s partner today, Elijah Burke. Burke’s career is sadly a “What Could Have Been” story. When he broke into the WWE in 2006 (only 5 months before tonight’s match), he was already a decent talker who was charismatic in the ring, pretty athletic, had a flashy moveset (yes, I’ve just watched “Top 30 Moves of D'Angelo Dinero” on YouTube), as well as having a great look. In his 2007 feud with CM Punk, it was not beyond the realms of possibility that this could be a world title feud in 2009.
I guess now would be the time for me to write 800 words on Little Guido but you must all be champing at the bit to find out what happens in this all-time classic so I will delay no further. Well I will slightly, but only to tell you that Terkay & Burke (later to be known as the Knock-out Tap-out Connection) have just recently come off The Hardy Boyz ending their tag team undefeated streak so are looking for a pick-me-up against The FBI (Little Guido/Marmaluke edition).
Burkay are out first. Burke cuts a promo but I’m completely distracted by how ill-fitting his tracksuit is so missed all the words. Terkay, for the uninitiated, looks a bit like if Luke Harper was in WCW/NWO Revenge on the N64. FBI then head out accompanied by Trinity in a WWE-Diva-In-2006 attire. Match starts with Burke & Guido. A bit of back & forth mat fun leads to Guido nicking Burke’s hat. Some quick tags & double team action from the FBI including the handshake double elbow.
A knee from Burke allows Sylvester “Better record than Andre” Terkay to enter the contest. Nice little spot where Terkay catches Guido mid-air from a top rope crossbody attempt; big boots Marmaluke to the outside whilst still holding Guido and then chucks Guido over the top rope onto Marmaluke. Burke tosses Guido back into the ring and him & Terkay rough up Guido for a bit. This goes on for a couple of minutes until Burke hits Guido with a Terkay-assisted running corner double high knee followed by an STO. Marmaluke breaks up the pinfall at 2.
Guido breaks out of a Burke resthold & rolls underneath a backkick attempt to get the hot tag. Babyface fire from Marmaluke!! Terkay enters and grabs Marmaluke’s fist mid-punch. Guido tries the same to no avail as Terkay has both their mammoth Italian fists gripped, but a dual ankle dropkick from the FBI grounds him.
Double dropkick to his chest sends him rolling out of the ring. A double flapjack on the legal Burke only gets a 2. Guido tries to take out Terkay on the outside but misses. Burke throws Marmaluke into a Terkay forearm and then hits the Elijah Experience for the 3. Post-match, Terkay hits a muscle buster on Guido whilst a guy in the crowd chants “TNA! TNA!”.
Summary: Watching Burke here makes my prior epithets look a tad rose-tinted in retrospect. Terkay was pretty green & The FBI are what they are. Worth digging out if you’re a fan of ill-fitting tracksuits, Italian American stereotypes, and people Kurt Angle think are strong. Skippable otherwise.
WINNERS: BURKAY BY ELIJAH EXPERIENCE ON “SWISS” TONY MARMALUKE
DAIVARI v TOMMY DREAMER
By Dom Philp
G’day lads and welcome to Dom Van Dam’s take on what is widely regarded as one of the worst WWE Pay Per Views of all time and one that was rated by the eternally positive Bruce “Ross Casey” Prichard as “negative four stars.” That’s right, it’s WWECW December to Dismember and up next on the card is the innovator of violence.
This PPV was actually Paul Heyman’s last as the lead writer on the ECW brand. The following night he was sent home with a full paid suspension. I wouldn’t really mind being punished in this way by my employer, but at my work place we have this thing where if you’re good at your job you just get rewarded with doing other people’s work.
(Shawn/Khosrow) Daivari, the former manager for Muhammad Hassan is out first wearing beautiful purple tights that would have immediately made him a baby face for me when I was a kid. Daivari is using Khali as a human shield early on in this one, trying to evade Dreamer like me evading a treadmill.
The percentage of the crowd who are getting in to this is Little John levels of low; comparable only to the percentage of my tinder matches which convert to dates. There’s a small pop when referee Mickie Jay sends Khali to the backstage but there’s no heat at all when Daivari is on offence. The crowd are just waiting patiently for the Dreamer comeback. Everything Dreamer takes looks like it hurts like hell though, you can just tell that under that black tee is a back that is in absolute pieces after years of abuse.
Wait! There’s a Schoolboy by Daivari, he grabs the tights and this one is over in a completely innocuous fashion. Even Tazz and Joey Styles are a little bit shocked at that one as it was completely out of the blue.
Post match, Dreamer tries to chase Daivari up the ramp but is met by the The Great Khali and a Punjabi Plunge on the stage. Loads of wrestlers used to complain about taking that bump from Khali in the ring and here we have the man from Yonkers (also the name of the song I sing in my head in between deliveries when I bat in cricket) showing why he is absolutely nails.
Wrestling is hard, fair play to these lads doing the best with what they were given, but unfortunately they didn’t get much of an opportunity to shine. Drink lots of water; look after your mates.
WINNER - DAIVARI BY SCHOODLBOY + KHALI MURDER
MIKE KNOX & KELLY KELLY v KEVIN THORN & ARIEL
By JCH
I chose this match as….well…..its on arguably the worst PPV of all time apparently and I didn’t want to destroy the myth of any of the ECW originals this week. Kelly Kelly comes out loving life. Mike Knox is not. I once saw people queue up for 35 mins at Wrestlemania Axcess to get a picture with Kane and half way through the queue he was replaced with Mike Knox. The people were not happy. It might have been Tyler Reks actually. Are they the same person?
Kelly Kelly on the mic wishes CM Punk luck for later on. Mike Knox is unimpressed. Kelly publicly trying to date someone else will do that to some people. I’d probably leave her be and let her head off with CM PUnK. Here comes Kevin Thorn and Ariel.
Taking advantage of the vampire craze of 2006. They aggressively make out a lot. Apparently they frequent ‘bite clubs’. I have no idea what that is. Presume its some vampire cosplay swinger party. Tazz says he goes. I am not googling Bite Club.
After a few minutes that has failed to hold my attention Thorn hits a nice clothesline. Ariel is hanging off the ropes again. She is screaming on the apron/ It’s quite irritating. I’m not sure who is a face in this match? The sulky vampire or the possessive dickhead. Ariel tags in. So Kelly Kelly has to come in after some stalling from Foxy Knox. Ariel just punts her in the stomach. Brilliant. Highlight of the match. I guess Kelly Kelly is the face now. Ariel beats up Kelly for a bit before Kelly looks for the tag.
At this point, Mike Knox thinks it’s time to leave her. Stepover Chokeslam and a pin and it’s over. Ariel and Kevin Thorn beat up Kelly Kelly, to be fair Ariel did and Thorn watched. Suddenly here comes The Sandman. He cuts his head open with a beer can. Moron. Sandman batters Thorn with a cane for a bit. Like seriously batters him. Thorn walks off and continues to be battered. Like an Australian bowling attack by Ben Stokes.
Then Sandman drinks another beer at the top of the ramp. Another cracking match….sorry. I mean crap match. I don’t suggest watching it. Me to Shadow - ‘Well that was rubbish’. Shadow ‘yep’ Sums it up.
WINNERS - KEVIN THORN & ARIEL BY FACESITTING
ECW CHAMPIONSHIP ELIMINATION CHAMBER
By Ro Ahmad
So this is my first contribution to the Nerd Watch Wednesday and I chose this absolute turd of a PPV because when I saw Ross post in the group for someone to choose a PPV I was in a particularity boring meeting at work and was in a crap mood so thought fuck it... I'll do it and picked the worst PPV I can remember ever seeing.
I suppose the only good thing is that even if my writing and review is crap I can blame it on the PPV for being so shit that its difficult to even write about it. I remember this being a truly ghastly PPV and I think this chamber match is still the worst of all time. I do love the elimination chamber format as it usually delivers some great action and the previous versions to this were decent to great.
So this is an Extreme Elimination Chamber Match and this was back when the chamber match was still sort of a novelty (and the last one before it became an annual pre-mania tradition) and was only the 5th one in history. What makes it so “Extreme” you ask?… well if I was booking it i’d have the whole structure made of barbed wire, set the chamber floor outside the ring on fire and have The Great Khali on commentary.
In reality what makes this chamber extreme is that each superstar has a specific weapon in their pod that they can use on their opponents… LAME! Lets get into the match. Big show is the ECW Champ and the main story going into this is Heyman will do anything he can to prevent Lashley from becoming champ. Lashley (still with eyebrows) gives a pre match interview to say he doesn't care about the odds and he will win the title.
Video package actually does well to get us excited for the match so at the time I guess expectations were high with superstars like RVD, Sabu and CM Punk in there. Tazz and Joey Styles on commentary explain that Sabu is injured and so will be replaced by Hardcore Holly (sign of things to come).
Heyman comes out and hypes the match and says the days of the ECW originals like RVD, Sabu and the Sandman are over and it is about the Big Show (considering he hated this match and everything about this version of ECW... he did a convincing job to sell it).
Big show (The champ) is out first and his weapon is a barbed wire baseball bat. CM Punk is out next (loved his original theme so) he gets a pop as he was still relatively new and probably the crowd fav here. Always had an odd thing for Punk... I mean I totally would! I bet it would be pure filth!... no wonder AJ Lee always had a skip in her step. Anyway Punks weapon is a steel chair.
Test (god rest his soul) is out next... I don't remember him being that jacked but fucking hell he is HUGE! his weapon is CROWBAR. Lashley is the next one out and final competitor to be locked in a pod... his weapon of choice are his promo skills... and a table. Hardcore Holly is out next... I'll be honest I had to check to see when he died so I could write here but to my surprise he is still alive?!?! I swear down he died!!?! RVD is the final one out and gets the biggest pop so far.
RVD and Holly begin the match. Holly’s the heel here. Outside the ring, RVD goes for a leaping attack off the top, Holly moves, RVD lands on the cage like "spider-man" and then misses a diving attack.. Cool spot! Holly slams RVD on the steel outside the ring. Holly misses an attack, so he was out on the steel. RVD did the Rolling Thunder spot where he ends up jumping over the top to splash Holly. Holly suplexes RVD back into the ring.... ummm wait... why do these two not have weapons to use???
Pretty un-extreme so far. God Holly is boring to watch! 5 mins are up and the countdown starts and The #3 entrant in this match is.... CM Punk (with a chair), who was a popular young face at the time. The crowd pops loudly for him and he gets some CM Punk chants going. Punk throws a chair at Holly and nails a springboard clothesline on RVD. RVD throws the chair at Punk’s head to knock him down.
Punk nails a leg drop on the back of RVD’s head onto the chair. Punk whips RVD head first into the chair wedged against the turnbuckle. RVD is busted open and is bleeding above his right eye.
Holly slams Punk into the cage. Holly dominates both guys for the next couple of minutes including a superplex by Holly on Punk. Van Dam's a bloody mess. He nails a kick on Punk to knock him down. It’s time for #4 at the 10 minute mark and it’s time for Test Test this is a Test (with crowbar) who looks like he's been on the juice.
Test nails Punk in the ribs with the crowbar. Then Test rams the crowbar against RVD’s bloody head. RVD nails some clotheslines and kicks on Holly followed by a hard chair shot to Test’s head. RVD nailed a dropkick into the chair on Punk as Punk was against the turnbuckle. With Punk in a lot of pain, RVD nailed a Five Star Frog Splash on Punk and pins him.
The crowd absolutely HATES this and boos loudly. I also remember watching this live and being shocked at Punk being first one out. CM Punk eliminated by Rob Van Dam. Story goes Heyman was totally against this and actually pushed hard for Punk to win the match... even Big Show wanted Punk to win but ol Vinne mac didn't care and only wanted to use the match to push Lashley so hence Punk was out first.
Test sets up RVD for a big boot, but then he hits Holly with it. The ref counts one…two…stops…Holly doesn’t move and the ref says it’s three. So even though the ref’s hand didn’t hit the mat three times in a row, Holly is out. That looked so awkward. Someone fucked up here and Holly’s eliminated. Hardcore Holly eliminated by Test... sort of... maybe he wasn't.... maybe holly is technically still in the match? RVD jumps off the top rope and nails a jumping kick on Test.
RVD goes on top of Big Show’s pod to do an attack, but Show grabs his leg and pulls it through the chain. Test nails RVD with a chair shot to the rib and then he slams RVD to the mat. Test goes to the top of the pod and hits a flying elbow drop onto the chair, which was good enough for the pin to eliminate RVD. There was 45 seconds until the next man entered the match. The fans hated this too as that's two of the most over stars in the match eliminated first.
This is when I remember thinking... this match is gonna suck now as I wasn't a fan on any of the remaining stars. Rob Van Dam eliminated by Test Bobby Lashley is the #5 man against Test. Two of Heyman's riot gear goons took out the ref that was going to unlock Lashley’s pod. This means that Lashley is stuck in the pod. Lashley uses the table to break through the cage on the top of the pod. Lashley climbs up the top of the pod and nails a clothesline off the top rope on Test. Lashley whips Test into pod doors a couple of times.
Test gets the chair, took too long and Lashley nails a boot to the face. Lashley with a snap suplex. Lashley nails Test with a crowbar shot to the ribs. Lashley hits a Spear on Test to eliminate him. Test eliminated by Bobby Lashley I do remember thinking this match is speeding past and there is still about an hour left of the usual 3 hour PPV time... surely Show and Lashley can't go another 45 mins on their own without show having a cardiac arrest.
The final entrant at #6 is ECW Champion Big Show. Show looks really really out of shape especially compared to now – he is in much better shape today. He has the barbed wire baseball bat with him while Lashley has a steel chair. Show attacks with the bat, but Lashley blocks it with the chair. Lashley was able to avoid an attack as he nails Show in the ribs with the chair. Lashley sends Show’s head into the cage. The camera cuts away from Show and that led to Show doing a blatant blade job as he is busted open.
Lashley whips Show into the pod. Show tosses Lashley back into the ring with Heyman yelling “finish him off” at Show. Clothesline by Show. Lashley counters a Chokeslam into a DDT. Lashley goes for a jumping attack, but Show catches him. Show goes for a powerslam, Lashley slips out of it and hits a Spear!. Lashley covers for the pinfall win at the 25-minute mark.
That felt sudden and totally underwhelming then and even watching it back now.
WINNER - NEW ECW CHAMPION: BOBBY LASHLEY BY SPEAR TO THE HEART OF RO
Star rating: * This gets one star from me. I honestly thought it would be quite difficult to make an elimination chamber match boring but this was just horrible. Aside from a few cool spots from RVD as well as the top rope elbow from Test, there was nothing else memorable in this match and it ended so quickly it felt odd. Also for a match labelled the first ever extreme elimination chamber match this was pretty underwhelming on the blood and gore value.
The booking was poor because they really could have used this as a springboard to push CM Punk but instead, Vince's fetish for big guys continued as he favoured Bobby Lashley, who had the physique but he was never able to get the crowd support that Punk or RVD received. Post match, Lashley went up the ramp with the ECW Title in his hand and the PPV ends... apparently the PPV did finish about 40 mins early.
Aftermath: After this show was over, Paul Heyman was fired as leader creative writer behind ECW. He took the blame for the show being so bad even though he said in a 2008 interview that he was trying to get things changed and really wanted to use the match to Push Punk but Vince McMahon kept refusing and wanted Lashley to win.
What I pile of turd this match and PPV was. I should clearly never be allowed to pick a PPV for nerd watch again... sorry lads for subjecting you to reliving this pile of shite again.
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